Fragility of Yesterday

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*This post might be hard for some to read if you have lost a little one*

This may not be very poetic but it is on my heart and needs to come out, so I am sharing- In the middle of watching a silly clip on you tube,in which the people decided to play a prank, a prank where a woman was pretending to die and the man was on the line with 911, who was walking him through the steps of administering CPR.  Of course the silliness was lost on me and in that instant my heart began to race and my body got hot-I wanted to scream but I just turned over, lying down and letting the pure pain fluster around my body and soul-like a wicked fast hummingbird trapped inside a cage-unable to fly and lose herself against the sky.

In the flicker of the CPR clip my mind had a flashback-and that is the rawness of a flashback-it really is one’s body zapping into another time frame.  I was suddenly standing over my daughters little body, on the phone with the 911 operator who was walking me through how to administer CPR to a baby. I kept yelling at her “It’s not working-she’s not breathing!!” Like the movies false hope I expected her to automatically start breathing again-but that did not happen. I cannot talk too much about it, years later it still literally rips me up inside.  I just really miss her today,I miss her so much. That flashback stopped me in my tracks, moving me  through the fiery faces of the stars and placed my feet above the small beautiful body of my precious baby girl-trying to bring her back to life, still not comprehending that she has gone…

Fragility of Yesterday

My memories come with a price

So I freeze them

My brain is my bartender and I am sayin’

“Put that one on ice”-

Unable to revel in the sweet times

I am frozen, with a fragile heart

and broken bones

Screaming above my daughter

In a flashback

of yesterdays mother

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Ancestral Sage


This morning I woke

In an ancestral cage

Passed down and cleansed with grandmothers

White sage

A glowing freedom

A warrior’s song

All the victors have fallen for

And all we have overcome

I swung back and forth

Allowing the tears to come

Grief takes up chapters in our story

As does the peace, awakening and love

Yet today I chant a tear note melody

The wailing of a mother’s fractured heart remedy

I do not feel beautiful

My soul is bowed in a pale shaded woe

And I will rock in this cage

Until grandmothers spirit whispers

…go


Awake 

  

It’s one in the morning

The train is whistling by

A wicker chair and a 

…lonely porch 

 With flickering lights and     

 …cigarette smoke 

 I’m talkin to God again 

 One more barter 

 One last try 

Beggin for a miracle 

 To get it right
A consistently inconsistent life
Burning feet digging in dirt 

The layer of a melted sun

Swings absent to a placid world 

The melancholiac moon

The eerie time and placement

The fickle fingers 

Compromising my decisions

To leave me broke again

When the ace landed in my hand
I surrendered a once in a lifetime dance 

But the wind is thick

Kicking up dust and rubble behind it

A broken sliver of shattered diamonds

I never know what God is doing

Still, I beg for answers

To be hard as a rock

And not feel the shock of indecision

The pale blue sequence of malicious dreams

Teasing and haunting me

With a love that could set me free

I climbed the mountain top

Only to see 

Endless miles of volcanoes 

Scattered with praying claws 

and a wedding ring

It’s one in the morning 

 I am wide awake 
  

Anklets of Inspiration 

I wear an anklet around my right ankle in the hot summer. It hangs loose so it doesn’t hurt my skin- it is delicate and always with me. For whatever reason I connect it with inspiration. Inspiration is everywhere-for me, inspiration is the constant yet delicate shove to coax the lock off my soul and spill the contents. 

My beautiful soul sister Erika Kind posts daily songs and quotes- I find myself looking forward to her posts. She inspires and excites. Like my anklet, she has become a delicate and constant charm in my journey. She has inspired me to share my inspiration with all of you. It may be a photo, a song, a quote, a movie or maybe just a singular moment that changed my day. Like a charm bracelet I would like to collect my inspirations and share them with my favorite poets, creators and artists..all of you! Oh and please check Erika out- she is a pure sunshine! 

My random inspiration tonight~

   

           

Who I AM! 

  

I am me

Shaken and broken 

With the strength of a tree

And the body of a flower

Whose petals have fallen

In a “blow the man down”

…type of manner. 

My mind is an attic of cobweb strings 

From years of trying to be their perfect “thing”

Believing they may like me

And I would finally be enough!

If I molded so purposefully 

Into their “with restrictions” kind of love…

But you see…

And listen please 

I became a porcelain doll so elegant and clean

Yet never, no not once…

Were they proud of me!

My friends, it was still not enough

Because an acceptance without abundance 

Is no form of love 

And the lines through my face        glued and replaced 

…Oh from the many many nights the doll did break! 

…Was too ugly for many who shunned without grace 

And then…

My body like a stem

Bare, with no protection 

Felt the realist love 

As God touched me from His heavens 

In my mind, spun and confused 

In my heart, tender and bruised 

In my being, sewn from the tragedy of truth

He believes I am beautiful!

I even heard him whisper…

“Daughter, just be yourself”

Hi, I am a mess… 

I am no more and certainly no less

But I am free

From the convictions of all the “whomevers” they wanted me to be…

The doll has been shattered to the doom of the well

To release a timid me 

In all my unruly mystery

He shouted as I bowed,

“My daughter you are lovely and 

I am ever….

So proud!”

  

Oh my Ballerina!

  

Your beauty stretches

Wrapping around His earth
The smoke billows strong

Burying  your worth

Your needs drown into silence

When whistles hum louder than words.

Natures strength emerges from,

Her hiding place under the wind…

Lifting you up!

To dance and sing once again

Oh my ballerina!

You are the light between my grief 

  

 

Flashback 

 

The eyelids of night close upon

A day wrapped with warmth 
And echoes of children’s play
Inside the moons gleam
I lose myself with intention of sleep
But I am caught up on a turbulent sea
Thrusting me back to a time with thee
Playing and giggling 
Your precious delight 
Cooing and yawning 
Sweetly rockin on my side 
Then the undertow grabs my feet and ankles 
Fighting like a stubborn swine to the dinner table
The waters trap me into a flashback reel…
A little home in the aged country
Mama cooking supper, while baby sleeps 
Her life brings me joy, so I twirl and tweet
…Mama opens the door with beaming heart
To wake up an angelic daughter 
And cradle her in my arms 
Only to find…
A scene I still cannot describe 
A baby not breathing! 
Did Jesus just pass by?
Or Is this just the evil we call
“life”
Her face unmoved!
My visions are pleading 
“Please stop the playback!”
“Please erase this image!”
But the moon is now snoring 
And the tide is pulling back
I wish to cut these lines of gravity!
I wish to extinguish the flashes of back
My ankles slow to be freed 
As I wear that nightmare like a hat
Covering my reddened eyes 
And tucking the returning guilt under my cap 
I am quietly tossed to the welcoming sand
As the sun wakes and stretches 
Greeting the insomnia of land
One two march-one two step 
Again I have not slept 
Fighting with the tug of the flashbacks
To be woken by the sun
The search for my daughter 
I can no longer stand.  
  

Heating Silence  

   

 
The x-rated 
adventure
We hold 
Closely to our chests

Heartbeats racing insanely 
To a hot pink velvet rush
You covered me in crystals
Too sharp for me to touch
The object of our attention
Became an obstacle
Tip toeing around 
Times we’d rather not mention
The waving elephant
In the center of the room
Smiling like she’s not there
As we suffocate on an awkward air
All of what we hold inside 
Becomes venomous and bare 
Breathe it in
And blankly stare
Pretending it never happened
As the elephant just stomps and cheers. 
Can’t we just talk about…
What happened over there?
 
 

Inside a Soul Like Mine~

 

Peeks of reality
Shine through the dreamer in me
Like when the truth is hard to see
Oh how it blinds me!
Like a crystal                                     
and your love the window                  Can’t you feel the heat beating through?                                     Colors cascade in an unforgiving radiance                                    …through time and space                   Stand beside me                              We can paint Gods face                  The planks of ivory                          The worlds open race                         In my mind I am wading in the river. Feet embedded in the pebbles.          It is slow and it is futile                    For the snap of the fingers         

Brings me back to that room       Where time spins a never ending tune No sooner do the ants die             Then they are reborn                             I am running with my paintbrush  …Even though my dress is torn           I will find a way to get through this!      Heaven waits                                    As David sounds his horn