pain

Redefine Me…

by Souldiergirl

  

My God my God!

Move me-
Beyond this pain that endlessly cycles
Through me-
Beyond this tiny room 
Reveal me-
Within the pages and pages 
I’ve torn from my soul
My mental occupation
Leaving only time for false roles
A false hope-
Wrapping everything up to open behind one door-
My dreams have shifted to            unrequited goals-
The fairytales have gone                     too far-
Losing the bargain to                         fools gold-
But my worth in Jesus still              sparks a jolt!
I look to you God…                                  to fix these pieces-
I look to you…                                          to guide my indecision-
I can be so naive at the mercy of… others consequences-
Their own guilt becomes…                     my premonition-
Walking in the shadows of their… shifting disposition-
While my own life…                                  is found missing!
I will sit alone with God                       and let Him do the fixing-
No other hands will spread…              my veins with their poison-
I need to flush out,                                   a life of ill decisions
To break loose…
A will power that has been frozen-
Under the weight of a, disproportionate submission-

We translate His word into… inappropriate definitions-
I still believe God as a friend 
I will shed the weight of,                   what I do not comprehend 
Through the analytical demise of a phychologist
Myself I need not defend!
Without my money,                         would even pretend to understand?
I want to be near those who              give their last dime to a needy one!
Whose sacrifices emulate what our Father did for his Son!
Who puts out their hand…
Instead of hiding it away-
Manipulating mind games …and…
Plotting unfair trades-
To those who have been affected        by the struggle,
Living life outside the…                 diluted comfort of a bubble-
Popped, broken and shattered!
I want to walk alongside the,        widows and the loners 
When you are down in it 
It is hard to know the difference 
between help that is real…and…       that which is counterfeit-
I ask God to reveal                               and please define!
The rules for a girl…
Who was born outside the lines. 


Skeletons 

by Souldiergirl

  

Too angry to dress
The platforms I avoid to address
But this rage
shakes my skeleton
Turning me to a different page
Don’t look at me!
Don’t even turn to ask me
I won’t pause for the door keys
My fists pound down the wood
My fists bleed with fury
Like the boundary got crossed
Like the lines that got lost
The flood is rising
Too high for us to cross
Too deep for us to handle
I saw myself
Alone at the bus stop
Where suburbia melts into the ghetto
And I can’t stay cuz I belong there
I ran faster than the wolves there
Some kind of homegrown shelter
I recognize the pain of others
Without words or a disguise
It hardens all over our faces
And we don’t hide it
Our skin is thick with an abrasive truth
Cracking with the melancholy of accomplishment
Adrenaline has me shook again
Left to make sense of a windstorm
Without the comfort of the wind
Stand up and dig in
The rusted smell of a broken swing 
The sting of smiles where we played
Muddy feet and wrung out blankets
Keep me warm again
Distant lies and cold hands
Got me runnin again
Towards a forgotten empowerment 
Bones of a new 

Skeleton


Absence 

by Souldiergirl

I listen to the silence
Where laughter used to be
As the record spins
Absent bodies move further from me
Elation only ever comes in moments
Then it runs away 
I can hear the sobbing
Where the church bells use to sing
And I can hear the bullets rip out
As they hit me one by one 
Death trails joy 
No longer a fair trade 
A treasure worn
Then locked and submerged to her grave
My heart sags on a torn sleeve
The ripples so heavy on the surface
Camouflage the rocks sleeping underneath us 
If I could hop on the dragons back
I’d fly away
But the camels thirsting in the desert
And I think he’s lost his way 

Written: 5~23~2013

Still here 

by Souldiergirl

  

I’m alone on all sides

The center of a dissenagrating point
The compass pointed home
So on shaky knees you rose 
I remain behind
Asking why
The question becomes a scream in no time 
I want your life
I want your life 
At the center of a dissenagrating point
I’ve already flatlined 
I have no life
I have no life 
A body without a fire
The world without a brother 
Alone on all sides
A child taken without her mother 
The compass points home 
An infected earth where the demons roam
You’re high above with the angels
While I’m still here, staring at the devil.  


Written: 8~11~14





Denial 

by Souldiergirl



I really miss you today

Blue eyes 
Always converse
Always the jokester
The tragedy laced into my heart
As I stitch it tears apart
The pulse of where you are 
In the flesh that swims upstream
In the veins that give and take
The mothers milk 
Where I am permanently stayed 
My nails I bite 
Claw and fight me
Growing back at quicker speeds
A metaphor that is now my grief 
I cry and wail
Yet the missing only intensifies
I can’t stand to admit it!
Have you really died? 

How we met

by Souldiergirl

how we met1 (2)

The blasts threw us back

A thousand feet
At least
Eyes and innocence
Lacerated
Naked under the explosions
Bodies slain in aggression
Of the dominating dictator
Aiming for our hearts
Surviving through our thick skinned parts
As I opened my mind
I felt him
Through the dust and burn
His spirit sent me words
My bloody hands
Found their way
Clinched and his to stay
Escaping on our bellies
Through a maze of consequences
We weren’t sure if we woke
In hell or heaven yet
But we crawled on the scalding cement
Half alive on our journey
Saving you
Saving me

Accidental Death

by Souldiergirl

stand_still_by_xrls[1] (2)

I sank into the corner

Outside looking in

On my tiny little frame

And the pain it was in

Curled into a slender ball

Head buried into the darkness of my knees

Fetal

Surrounded with cherry colored

Little bottles

All filled with different pills

Prescribed candy from a doctor

We just went out to have some fun

Then one shot of Patron

Stacked into ten

Or more

Maybe we really went to

Kill our pain

With a shot right to the heart

I told her “get me 9-11”

My body was soaked and trembling

Pins and needs pushing

Into my skin that was

Pale and crying

Black eyeliner streaking over white powder

Face of a mime dancer

Naked and cold

She brought me a warm blanket

My body one with the floor

Not feeling well herself

Yet knowing I was worse

She knelt down

And softly said

“shh, you’re ok”

As she calmed my withdrawn body

Massaging my feet and my legs

My angel knew just what to do

My heart tremored not as fast

I popped a few random pills

Begging for the pain to pass

I started thinking of people like

Amy Whinehouse and Heath Ledger

I started thinking of people

Like my only brother

Is this what it is like?

To accidently die

You can’t even count the pills

You’re just praying for sleep

And the pain to subside

I believe I was saved

By the angel at my feet

Because I could of sworn my spirit was dying

When I was only meaning to sleep

My soul is mine again

by Souldiergirl

IMG_4987 (2) - Copy

Tonight my pain is as deep as the ocean

My sorrow is painted in dark alleyways

My eyes are in dreary disbelief

For my soul is mine again

You have returned it

In many pieces

All over this room

That feels like a endless field

Where I see no end and I yearn for reason

Reasons that will never be mine

They belong to you

You made your choices

And now I make mine too

But first…

I will lay in this field

Gazing at the white world

Fumbling for my heart that got away

Being the darkness, painting my pain

Throughout the alleyways.

Betrayed

by Souldiergirl

image2

Betrayed

In the worst kind of way

It hurts It stings

It is raw and it bleeds

I would if I could

Cauterize

but the memories claw the wounds open again

like trees hitting the window

In a storm beyond my control

Lies spring eternal

The heartbreak you administered

Is lethal

Oh Doctor Doctor

Tell me what’s the cure…

For this deadly betrayal?

I became the centerfold

For his lies and scandal

Oh Doctor Doctor

Come a little closer

Transform me into more than one can handle

Take these feelings burning my soul

The side effects of betrayals disaster

Burn them into oblivion

And return them to their master