Fragility of Yesterday

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*This post might be hard for some to read if you have lost a little one*

This may not be very poetic but it is on my heart and needs to come out, so I am sharing- In the middle of watching a silly clip on you tube,in which the people decided to play a prank, a prank where a woman was pretending to die and the man was on the line with 911, who was walking him through the steps of administering CPR.  Of course the silliness was lost on me and in that instant my heart began to race and my body got hot-I wanted to scream but I just turned over, lying down and letting the pure pain fluster around my body and soul-like a wicked fast hummingbird trapped inside a cage-unable to fly and lose herself against the sky.

In the flicker of the CPR clip my mind had a flashback-and that is the rawness of a flashback-it really is one’s body zapping into another time frame.  I was suddenly standing over my daughters little body, on the phone with the 911 operator who was walking me through how to administer CPR to a baby. I kept yelling at her “It’s not working-she’s not breathing!!” Like the movies false hope I expected her to automatically start breathing again-but that did not happen. I cannot talk too much about it, years later it still literally rips me up inside.  I just really miss her today,I miss her so much. That flashback stopped me in my tracks, moving me  through the fiery faces of the stars and placed my feet above the small beautiful body of my precious baby girl-trying to bring her back to life, still not comprehending that she has gone…

Fragility of Yesterday

My memories come with a price

So I freeze them

My brain is my bartender and I am sayin’

“Put that one on ice”-

Unable to revel in the sweet times

I am frozen, with a fragile heart

and broken bones

Screaming above my daughter

In a flashback

of yesterdays mother

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Ten years with you 

Happy birthday my love

Ten years ago
Belly swollen
Headphones touching
Rockin Bob Marley
Always got you moving and kicking
The most euphoric feeling
Motions of sweet sensation
Washing me with healing
My precious son
Caught up in my womb
Seedling stretching
To the most gorgeous pain living
24 hours of exhaustive labor
Sweating screaming
No drugs
Am I dying?
Then there you were
A swarm of dark hair
Precious angel
The brightest star
Ever
At last I see you, cradling my son
A commotion of
Butterflies bewildered
Experiencing true love
For the very first time
Hi…hi baby boy
My baby boy
Nursing the purest nutrition
From my breasts lactation
Indescribable bonding
You carry the most sensitive heart
Held tightly together
Ten years of mad surrender
Worth every last torn drop
And I will never ever stop
There are no words
From God to Shakespeare
Stevie to Kahlil
To ever convey the magical swarming
Awakening my entire being
That coos and sings
Your name
Desperately in love
Ten years of wonder with you
The us of Mama and Roo
Happy birthday baby!
Love, mom 🙂