Fragility of Yesterday

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*This post might be hard for some to read if you have lost a little one*

This may not be very poetic but it is on my heart and needs to come out, so I am sharing- In the middle of watching a silly clip on you tube,in which the people decided to play a prank, a prank where a woman was pretending to die and the man was on the line with 911, who was walking him through the steps of administering CPR.  Of course the silliness was lost on me and in that instant my heart began to race and my body got hot-I wanted to scream but I just turned over, lying down and letting the pure pain fluster around my body and soul-like a wicked fast hummingbird trapped inside a cage-unable to fly and lose herself against the sky.

In the flicker of the CPR clip my mind had a flashback-and that is the rawness of a flashback-it really is one’s body zapping into another time frame.  I was suddenly standing over my daughters little body, on the phone with the 911 operator who was walking me through how to administer CPR to a baby. I kept yelling at her “It’s not working-she’s not breathing!!” Like the movies false hope I expected her to automatically start breathing again-but that did not happen. I cannot talk too much about it, years later it still literally rips me up inside.  I just really miss her today,I miss her so much. That flashback stopped me in my tracks, moving me  through the fiery faces of the stars and placed my feet above the small beautiful body of my precious baby girl-trying to bring her back to life, still not comprehending that she has gone…

Fragility of Yesterday

My memories come with a price

So I freeze them

My brain is my bartender and I am sayin’

“Put that one on ice”-

Unable to revel in the sweet times

I am frozen, with a fragile heart

and broken bones

Screaming above my daughter

In a flashback

of yesterdays mother

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In the Heart of my Night 

  

This has been 

…a spirit stretched day

And now that it is through

Wish I could pull up a simple chair

To sit and talk with you

It has been gravely long 

Since our parallel souls sang a song 

We tally each blessing

Deciphering right from wrong

The nights fall short and the days are shy 

The silence we adorn 

Flies on the backs of hurricanes in the  cries of a storm 

If I could cradle the eye of the blow 

And ride it to you

You could balance my weeping

In a harmony of two

  

Comfort for Angels

  
For the mothers who have lost a child 

For the child who has lost a mother 

When the phrase “Happy Mother’s Day”

Is uttered…

There comes a choke of pain

Behind the smiling,  

“Thank you” 

And hallmark can speak for those who live with us 

As I cry with those 

Who live without 
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This is my angel-miss you baby 

Still here 

  

I’m alone on all sides

The center of a dissenagrating point
The compass pointed home
So on shaky knees you rose 
I remain behind
Asking why
The question becomes a scream in no time 
I want your life
I want your life 
At the center of a dissenagrating point
I’ve already flatlined 
I have no life
I have no life 
A body without a fire
The world without a brother 
Alone on all sides
A child taken without her mother 
The compass points home 
An infected earth where the demons roam
You’re high above with the angels
While I’m still here, staring at the devil.  


Written: 8~11~14





The Miss



This week arrives 

Like heat on ice 
The impact of my heart disintegrating 
It weakens and remains solemn
I miss you sweetie
And the miss within is raging 
Its teeth are cutting 
Its fangs are slashing 
Its eyes are stinging 
Its throat is a compilation of rocks
Stuck on memories
To force a stop 
Don’t tell me to capture the moments 
The miss is still angry
Remembering craddling her lifeless daughter
Is that what you want me to see?
Years later 
The miss is sicker than ever 
Oh no!
The aftershock of disaster
Rolling through my busted structure 
Why why why…
It’s maddening, I’ll never know 
I just float in this miss
Covering and curling me in
Losing my daughter
Losing my skin 



Sacred

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Beyond the ruins
Of my exasperated soul
I curl into a tiny ball
A camouflaged creature
Just another broken piece
Through the haze
Of our galaxies and Milkyway
You’ve cradled my face
You reappear
Unafraid of loving
A tattered girl
I’m trembling for your closeness
You curl into my brokenness
Your words twinkle my bleakness
I know you say
You’re no angel
Yet your spirit is saving me
For a future
That is, to be continued…