Rise with Life

by SouldiergirlOctober 2, 2015

My heart nervously beating

As my eyes match the new horizon

He left in a shocking way

With not even a shadow to trace

The sky opens her eyes to change

Asking me to do the same

Oh but I miss the hands to hold!

And the stories that laugh as they unfold

I feel misunderstood

By the king of understanding

…it is no fun to feel that way

But I rebuke confusion in these coming days

I will grow with the bougainvillea

Wrapping their vines tight to feel ya

Spreading my hands like Eagles

Above his memory adorned with flowers

The sky says, daughter it is time

To rise despite…

and

Fall in love

…with this unhinged life

Fragility of Yesterday

by SouldiergirlAugust 2, 2015

*This post might be hard for some to read if you have lost a little one*

This may not be very poetic but it is on my heart and needs to come out, so I am sharing- In the middle of watching a silly clip on you tube,in which the people decided to play a prank, a prank where a woman was pretending to die and the man was on the line with 911, who was walking him through the steps of administering CPR. Of course the silliness was lost on me and in that instant my heart began to race and my body got hot-I wanted to scream but I just turned over, lying down and letting the pure pain fluster around my body and soul-like a wicked fast hummingbird trapped inside a cage-unable to fly and lose herself against the sky.

In the flicker of the CPR clip my mind had a flashback-and that is the rawness of a flashback-it really is one’s body zapping into another time frame. I was suddenly standing over my daughters little body, on the phone with the 911 operator who was walking me through how to administer CPR to a baby. I kept yelling at her “It’s not working-she’s not breathing!!” Like the movies false hope I expected her to automatically start breathing again-but that did not happen. I cannot talk too much about it, years later it still literally rips me up inside. I just really miss her today,I miss her so much. That flashback stopped me in my tracks, moving me through the fiery faces of the stars and placed my feet above the small beautiful body of my precious baby girl-trying to bring her back to life, still not comprehending that she has gone…

Fragility of Yesterday

My memories come with a price

So I freeze them

My brain is my bartender and I am sayin’

“Put that one on ice”-

Unable to revel in the sweet times

I am frozen, with a fragile heart

and broken bones

Screaming above my daughter

In a flashback

of yesterdays mother

The dark of night

by SouldiergirlJuly 4, 2015

What can I do…
What can I do in this

…unnerving stillness

The darkness settles over me

Like a mask I hide my face inside it

To howl and weep!

And I’m not sure where heaven is

Or if they’ve gotten wind of this

The sensitive prick …of a beautiful flower

The prolonged passing …of another hour

Daylight comes and stings my eyes

Shinning a proof

…I have made it through

What else can I do?

Craddling each breath

Until the night I receive my gift

And wake up with you

Write about IT

by SouldiergirlJune 26, 2015

Write about the gut wrenching pain

That seeps from stomach to heart
Stain the page

With the noises causing my brain hurt

Spinning my mind like a ferris wheel

And I choose not to look down

Without a view to admire

Just that terrible circus music

And a scary clown waving his hands

I stay on…

Falling asleep to wake back up

And running a marathon in between

The life that got me here and the one

I am striving toward

Write about the sharpest broken heart

I have ever felt

A heart shared beautifully into another’s reach

A heart now expanding through trauma and grief

Write about how to get through each second

Do whatever you have to do but promise to make it

It will get better

Because our miraculous beings have an amazing capibility to consistently grow stronger

Become like a child, with a resilient behavior

Write about all of it

The death-the shock-the sickness

The love-the beauty-the moments that stale from quickness

And how you overcame it

Write it out and do not forget

It may seem terrifying now

Or glorious now

When it changes, and it will

Look back on how you made it

To get to paradise

From the guts of laughter

To stain the paper

That is how we will do it

~for our future generations, we must share how we made it from yesterday, to a better place. -Souldiergirl

Comfort for Angels

by SouldiergirlMay 10, 2015May 10, 2015

For the mothers who have lost a child

For the child who has lost a mother

When the phrase “Happy Mother’s Day”

Is uttered…

There comes a choke of pain

Behind the smiling,

“Thank you”

And hallmark can speak for those who live with us

As I cry with those

Who live without

This is my angel-miss you baby

Absence

by SouldiergirlApril 4, 2015April 4, 2015

I listen to the silence
Where laughter used to be
As the record spins
Absent bodies move further from me
Elation only ever comes in moments
Then it runs away
I can hear the sobbing
Where the church bells use to sing
And I can hear the bullets rip out
As they hit me one by one
Death trails joy
No longer a fair trade
A treasure worn
Then locked and submerged to her grave
My heart sags on a torn sleeve
The ripples so heavy on the surface
Camouflage the rocks sleeping underneath us
If I could hop on the dragons back
I’d fly away
But the camels thirsting in the desert
And I think he’s lost his way