Rise with Life 

  
My heart nervously beating 

As my eyes match the new horizon

He left in a shocking way

With not even a shadow to trace 

The sky opens her eyes to change 

Asking me to do the same 

Oh but I miss the hands to hold! 

And the stories that laugh as they unfold 

I feel misunderstood 

By the king of understanding 

…it is no fun to feel that way

But I rebuke confusion in these coming days 

I will grow with the bougainvillea 

Wrapping their vines tight to feel ya 

Spreading my hands like Eagles

Above his memory adorned with flowers 

The sky says, daughter it is time 

To rise despite…

and

Fall in love 

…with this unhinged life 

  

 

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Fragility of Yesterday

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*This post might be hard for some to read if you have lost a little one*

This may not be very poetic but it is on my heart and needs to come out, so I am sharing- In the middle of watching a silly clip on you tube,in which the people decided to play a prank, a prank where a woman was pretending to die and the man was on the line with 911, who was walking him through the steps of administering CPR.  Of course the silliness was lost on me and in that instant my heart began to race and my body got hot-I wanted to scream but I just turned over, lying down and letting the pure pain fluster around my body and soul-like a wicked fast hummingbird trapped inside a cage-unable to fly and lose herself against the sky.

In the flicker of the CPR clip my mind had a flashback-and that is the rawness of a flashback-it really is one’s body zapping into another time frame.  I was suddenly standing over my daughters little body, on the phone with the 911 operator who was walking me through how to administer CPR to a baby. I kept yelling at her “It’s not working-she’s not breathing!!” Like the movies false hope I expected her to automatically start breathing again-but that did not happen. I cannot talk too much about it, years later it still literally rips me up inside.  I just really miss her today,I miss her so much. That flashback stopped me in my tracks, moving me  through the fiery faces of the stars and placed my feet above the small beautiful body of my precious baby girl-trying to bring her back to life, still not comprehending that she has gone…

Fragility of Yesterday

My memories come with a price

So I freeze them

My brain is my bartender and I am sayin’

“Put that one on ice”-

Unable to revel in the sweet times

I am frozen, with a fragile heart

and broken bones

Screaming above my daughter

In a flashback

of yesterdays mother

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The dark of night 

What can I do…
What can I do in this

 …unnerving stillness

The darkness settles over me

Like a mask I hide my face inside it

To howl and weep! 

And I’m not sure where heaven is

Or if they’ve gotten wind of this

The sensitive prick …of a beautiful flower

The prolonged passing …of another hour 

Daylight comes and stings my eyes

Shinning a proof

…I have made it through 

What else can I do? 

 Craddling each breath 

Until the night I receive my gift 

And wake up with you

  

Write about IT

  

Write about the gut wrenching pain

That seeps from stomach to heart
Stain the page 

With the noises causing my brain hurt 

Spinning my mind like a ferris wheel 

And I choose not to look down 

Without a view to admire

Just that terrible circus music

And a scary clown waving his hands 

I stay on…

Falling asleep to wake back up 

And running a marathon in between 

The life that got me here and the one 

I am striving toward 

Write about the sharpest broken heart 

I have ever felt

A heart shared beautifully into another’s reach

A heart now expanding through trauma and grief

Write about how to get through each second

Do whatever you have to do but promise to make it

It will get better

Because our miraculous beings have an amazing capibility to consistently grow stronger 

Become like a child, with a resilient behavior 

Write about all of it

The death-the shock-the sickness

The love-the beauty-the moments that stale from quickness

And how you overcame it 

Write it out and do not forget 

It may seem terrifying now 

Or glorious now

When it changes, and it will

Look back on how you made it

To get to paradise

From the guts of laughter

To stain the paper

That is how we will do it 

  
~for our future generations, we must share how we made it from yesterday, to a better place. -Souldiergirl 

Comfort for Angels

  
For the mothers who have lost a child 

For the child who has lost a mother 

When the phrase “Happy Mother’s Day”

Is uttered…

There comes a choke of pain

Behind the smiling,  

“Thank you” 

And hallmark can speak for those who live with us 

As I cry with those 

Who live without 
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This is my angel-miss you baby 

Absence 

I listen to the silence
Where laughter used to be
As the record spins
Absent bodies move further from me
Elation only ever comes in moments
Then it runs away 
I can hear the sobbing
Where the church bells use to sing
And I can hear the bullets rip out
As they hit me one by one 
Death trails joy 
No longer a fair trade 
A treasure worn
Then locked and submerged to her grave
My heart sags on a torn sleeve
The ripples so heavy on the surface
Camouflage the rocks sleeping underneath us 
If I could hop on the dragons back
I’d fly away
But the camels thirsting in the desert
And I think he’s lost his way 

Written: 5~23~2013

Still here 

  

I’m alone on all sides

The center of a dissenagrating point
The compass pointed home
So on shaky knees you rose 
I remain behind
Asking why
The question becomes a scream in no time 
I want your life
I want your life 
At the center of a dissenagrating point
I’ve already flatlined 
I have no life
I have no life 
A body without a fire
The world without a brother 
Alone on all sides
A child taken without her mother 
The compass points home 
An infected earth where the demons roam
You’re high above with the angels
While I’m still here, staring at the devil.  


Written: 8~11~14





Denial 



I really miss you today

Blue eyes 
Always converse
Always the jokester
The tragedy laced into my heart
As I stitch it tears apart
The pulse of where you are 
In the flesh that swims upstream
In the veins that give and take
The mothers milk 
Where I am permanently stayed 
My nails I bite 
Claw and fight me
Growing back at quicker speeds
A metaphor that is now my grief 
I cry and wail
Yet the missing only intensifies
I can’t stand to admit it!
Have you really died?