Ain’t no Sunshine…

  Today my smile 

Was held in place 

By the frame of a mental corset 

Begging to come undone 

Working without thinking 

For my mind was off twisting 

In memories reoccurring 


And oh when I finally came home!

Ripping the corset 

Like a dog uncovering old bones 

The remains of a smile 

Broken in a twirling puddle 

This is how mama misses 

…her baby girl 

  
Eight years ago this week I lost my sunshine. I miss her so much. ❤️

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Fragility of Yesterday

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*This post might be hard for some to read if you have lost a little one*

This may not be very poetic but it is on my heart and needs to come out, so I am sharing- In the middle of watching a silly clip on you tube,in which the people decided to play a prank, a prank where a woman was pretending to die and the man was on the line with 911, who was walking him through the steps of administering CPR.  Of course the silliness was lost on me and in that instant my heart began to race and my body got hot-I wanted to scream but I just turned over, lying down and letting the pure pain fluster around my body and soul-like a wicked fast hummingbird trapped inside a cage-unable to fly and lose herself against the sky.

In the flicker of the CPR clip my mind had a flashback-and that is the rawness of a flashback-it really is one’s body zapping into another time frame.  I was suddenly standing over my daughters little body, on the phone with the 911 operator who was walking me through how to administer CPR to a baby. I kept yelling at her “It’s not working-she’s not breathing!!” Like the movies false hope I expected her to automatically start breathing again-but that did not happen. I cannot talk too much about it, years later it still literally rips me up inside.  I just really miss her today,I miss her so much. That flashback stopped me in my tracks, moving me  through the fiery faces of the stars and placed my feet above the small beautiful body of my precious baby girl-trying to bring her back to life, still not comprehending that she has gone…

Fragility of Yesterday

My memories come with a price

So I freeze them

My brain is my bartender and I am sayin’

“Put that one on ice”-

Unable to revel in the sweet times

I am frozen, with a fragile heart

and broken bones

Screaming above my daughter

In a flashback

of yesterdays mother

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Flashback 

 

The eyelids of night close upon

A day wrapped with warmth 
And echoes of children’s play
Inside the moons gleam
I lose myself with intention of sleep
But I am caught up on a turbulent sea
Thrusting me back to a time with thee
Playing and giggling 
Your precious delight 
Cooing and yawning 
Sweetly rockin on my side 
Then the undertow grabs my feet and ankles 
Fighting like a stubborn swine to the dinner table
The waters trap me into a flashback reel…
A little home in the aged country
Mama cooking supper, while baby sleeps 
Her life brings me joy, so I twirl and tweet
…Mama opens the door with beaming heart
To wake up an angelic daughter 
And cradle her in my arms 
Only to find…
A scene I still cannot describe 
A baby not breathing! 
Did Jesus just pass by?
Or Is this just the evil we call
“life”
Her face unmoved!
My visions are pleading 
“Please stop the playback!”
“Please erase this image!”
But the moon is now snoring 
And the tide is pulling back
I wish to cut these lines of gravity!
I wish to extinguish the flashes of back
My ankles slow to be freed 
As I wear that nightmare like a hat
Covering my reddened eyes 
And tucking the returning guilt under my cap 
I am quietly tossed to the welcoming sand
As the sun wakes and stretches 
Greeting the insomnia of land
One two march-one two step 
Again I have not slept 
Fighting with the tug of the flashbacks
To be woken by the sun
The search for my daughter 
I can no longer stand.  
  

Absence 

I listen to the silence
Where laughter used to be
As the record spins
Absent bodies move further from me
Elation only ever comes in moments
Then it runs away 
I can hear the sobbing
Where the church bells use to sing
And I can hear the bullets rip out
As they hit me one by one 
Death trails joy 
No longer a fair trade 
A treasure worn
Then locked and submerged to her grave
My heart sags on a torn sleeve
The ripples so heavy on the surface
Camouflage the rocks sleeping underneath us 
If I could hop on the dragons back
I’d fly away
But the camels thirsting in the desert
And I think he’s lost his way 

Written: 5~23~2013

Still here 

  

I’m alone on all sides

The center of a dissenagrating point
The compass pointed home
So on shaky knees you rose 
I remain behind
Asking why
The question becomes a scream in no time 
I want your life
I want your life 
At the center of a dissenagrating point
I’ve already flatlined 
I have no life
I have no life 
A body without a fire
The world without a brother 
Alone on all sides
A child taken without her mother 
The compass points home 
An infected earth where the demons roam
You’re high above with the angels
While I’m still here, staring at the devil.  


Written: 8~11~14





The Miss



This week arrives 

Like heat on ice 
The impact of my heart disintegrating 
It weakens and remains solemn
I miss you sweetie
And the miss within is raging 
Its teeth are cutting 
Its fangs are slashing 
Its eyes are stinging 
Its throat is a compilation of rocks
Stuck on memories
To force a stop 
Don’t tell me to capture the moments 
The miss is still angry
Remembering craddling her lifeless daughter
Is that what you want me to see?
Years later 
The miss is sicker than ever 
Oh no!
The aftershock of disaster
Rolling through my busted structure 
Why why why…
It’s maddening, I’ll never know 
I just float in this miss
Covering and curling me in
Losing my daughter
Losing my skin