Fragility of Yesterday

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*This post might be hard for some to read if you have lost a little one*

This may not be very poetic but it is on my heart and needs to come out, so I am sharing- In the middle of watching a silly clip on you tube,in which the people decided to play a prank, a prank where a woman was pretending to die and the man was on the line with 911, who was walking him through the steps of administering CPR.  Of course the silliness was lost on me and in that instant my heart began to race and my body got hot-I wanted to scream but I just turned over, lying down and letting the pure pain fluster around my body and soul-like a wicked fast hummingbird trapped inside a cage-unable to fly and lose herself against the sky.

In the flicker of the CPR clip my mind had a flashback-and that is the rawness of a flashback-it really is one’s body zapping into another time frame.  I was suddenly standing over my daughters little body, on the phone with the 911 operator who was walking me through how to administer CPR to a baby. I kept yelling at her “It’s not working-she’s not breathing!!” Like the movies false hope I expected her to automatically start breathing again-but that did not happen. I cannot talk too much about it, years later it still literally rips me up inside.  I just really miss her today,I miss her so much. That flashback stopped me in my tracks, moving me  through the fiery faces of the stars and placed my feet above the small beautiful body of my precious baby girl-trying to bring her back to life, still not comprehending that she has gone…

Fragility of Yesterday

My memories come with a price

So I freeze them

My brain is my bartender and I am sayin’

“Put that one on ice”-

Unable to revel in the sweet times

I am frozen, with a fragile heart

and broken bones

Screaming above my daughter

In a flashback

of yesterdays mother

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Absence 

I listen to the silence
Where laughter used to be
As the record spins
Absent bodies move further from me
Elation only ever comes in moments
Then it runs away 
I can hear the sobbing
Where the church bells use to sing
And I can hear the bullets rip out
As they hit me one by one 
Death trails joy 
No longer a fair trade 
A treasure worn
Then locked and submerged to her grave
My heart sags on a torn sleeve
The ripples so heavy on the surface
Camouflage the rocks sleeping underneath us 
If I could hop on the dragons back
I’d fly away
But the camels thirsting in the desert
And I think he’s lost his way 

Written: 5~23~2013

The Miss



This week arrives 

Like heat on ice 
The impact of my heart disintegrating 
It weakens and remains solemn
I miss you sweetie
And the miss within is raging 
Its teeth are cutting 
Its fangs are slashing 
Its eyes are stinging 
Its throat is a compilation of rocks
Stuck on memories
To force a stop 
Don’t tell me to capture the moments 
The miss is still angry
Remembering craddling her lifeless daughter
Is that what you want me to see?
Years later 
The miss is sicker than ever 
Oh no!
The aftershock of disaster
Rolling through my busted structure 
Why why why…
It’s maddening, I’ll never know 
I just float in this miss
Covering and curling me in
Losing my daughter
Losing my skin