My Wild Angel

  

I am listening to all of our 

old jams

…thinking of you

Beastie Boys and 

Smashing Pumpkins 

Time does not fly 

…it is dangling on the edge of our bedroom window 

Watching us when we were kids 

Eddie Vedder and white tees 

And rebels just wanna have fun 

…so we did 

Now all my heart does is playback our memories 

Converse and coffee 

Hooked on the repeat

Smoke from your cigarette butts

Drawing a mirror 

around my face

Where you would always grin 

and say 

“Everything will be ok”

Even with the odds trimming the life from your face 

Honestly, without you here 

That hole in my gut, reappeared 

So be my wild angel 

And I will be your little rebel

Be my wild angel

Hold me and whisper…

Anything 

Scream our songs through the wind

Hit me with the beats like a best friend 

I love you and there is no end

Be my wild angel

Lead me into heaven

…So we can be kids again 

  

 


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Ain’t no Sunshine…

  Today my smile 

Was held in place 

By the frame of a mental corset 

Begging to come undone 

Working without thinking 

For my mind was off twisting 

In memories reoccurring 


And oh when I finally came home!

Ripping the corset 

Like a dog uncovering old bones 

The remains of a smile 

Broken in a twirling puddle 

This is how mama misses 

…her baby girl 

  
Eight years ago this week I lost my sunshine. I miss her so much. ❤️

 Slivers

I love you and I don’t know why

With all this grief

My heart keeps tight

…a sliver of light

And I think…

If I keep this slender sliver on repeat

…I will be alright


I love you and I don’t know why

I remember when you first

walked down the street

into my soul

I remember it all

The warm sliver of a ray of hope


I love you and I don’t know why

…all you needed was a sliver to get inside

To be, to watch, to pray 

I think if I keep this slender sliver on replay

maybe, just maybe

…I will be ok

 


*thank you for helping me through this hard time- love you all* 

Grief 

  
My grief is knotted up in my stomach…

Pressing and swelling 

Kicking and burning 
Constantly reminding 

My grief is tangled in my head

Aching and spinning 

Pretending you are not dead 

Constantly pounding 

My grief is sticking in my throat

Memories will never go

Tears that burn to be known

Regurgitating and swallowing

Constantly haunting 

My grief is in my eyes 

Swollen and lifeless

Closed with no brightness

Constantly clouding

My grief is in my entire being

Sore and exhausted 

Empty and devastated 

Constantly reaching 

My grief is black and blue

Bruised and broken without you 

My grief is red and dark

Life is dull with no sparks

My grief is white 

A colorless life

Limping toward tomorrow 

Thinking maybe you will be there 

Or I will be 

There 

My grief is a sea of seven stages 

Constantly flowing 

  

  

The Beauty in the Break

 

My broken heart

No longer fears the collision of your sword

For you have forced

the rise of mountains

For you have formed

the depth and curves of roads

Designing a personalized compass

Guiding me home 

 
 
 

Fragility of Yesterday

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*This post might be hard for some to read if you have lost a little one*

This may not be very poetic but it is on my heart and needs to come out, so I am sharing- In the middle of watching a silly clip on you tube,in which the people decided to play a prank, a prank where a woman was pretending to die and the man was on the line with 911, who was walking him through the steps of administering CPR.  Of course the silliness was lost on me and in that instant my heart began to race and my body got hot-I wanted to scream but I just turned over, lying down and letting the pure pain fluster around my body and soul-like a wicked fast hummingbird trapped inside a cage-unable to fly and lose herself against the sky.

In the flicker of the CPR clip my mind had a flashback-and that is the rawness of a flashback-it really is one’s body zapping into another time frame.  I was suddenly standing over my daughters little body, on the phone with the 911 operator who was walking me through how to administer CPR to a baby. I kept yelling at her “It’s not working-she’s not breathing!!” Like the movies false hope I expected her to automatically start breathing again-but that did not happen. I cannot talk too much about it, years later it still literally rips me up inside.  I just really miss her today,I miss her so much. That flashback stopped me in my tracks, moving me  through the fiery faces of the stars and placed my feet above the small beautiful body of my precious baby girl-trying to bring her back to life, still not comprehending that she has gone…

Fragility of Yesterday

My memories come with a price

So I freeze them

My brain is my bartender and I am sayin’

“Put that one on ice”-

Unable to revel in the sweet times

I am frozen, with a fragile heart

and broken bones

Screaming above my daughter

In a flashback

of yesterdays mother

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Flashback 

 

The eyelids of night close upon

A day wrapped with warmth 
And echoes of children’s play
Inside the moons gleam
I lose myself with intention of sleep
But I am caught up on a turbulent sea
Thrusting me back to a time with thee
Playing and giggling 
Your precious delight 
Cooing and yawning 
Sweetly rockin on my side 
Then the undertow grabs my feet and ankles 
Fighting like a stubborn swine to the dinner table
The waters trap me into a flashback reel…
A little home in the aged country
Mama cooking supper, while baby sleeps 
Her life brings me joy, so I twirl and tweet
…Mama opens the door with beaming heart
To wake up an angelic daughter 
And cradle her in my arms 
Only to find…
A scene I still cannot describe 
A baby not breathing! 
Did Jesus just pass by?
Or Is this just the evil we call
“life”
Her face unmoved!
My visions are pleading 
“Please stop the playback!”
“Please erase this image!”
But the moon is now snoring 
And the tide is pulling back
I wish to cut these lines of gravity!
I wish to extinguish the flashes of back
My ankles slow to be freed 
As I wear that nightmare like a hat
Covering my reddened eyes 
And tucking the returning guilt under my cap 
I am quietly tossed to the welcoming sand
As the sun wakes and stretches 
Greeting the insomnia of land
One two march-one two step 
Again I have not slept 
Fighting with the tug of the flashbacks
To be woken by the sun
The search for my daughter 
I can no longer stand.  
  

Comfort for Angels

  
For the mothers who have lost a child 

For the child who has lost a mother 

When the phrase “Happy Mother’s Day”

Is uttered…

There comes a choke of pain

Behind the smiling,  

“Thank you” 

And hallmark can speak for those who live with us 

As I cry with those 

Who live without 
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This is my angel-miss you baby 

Moths 

 
Guess I need to get a grip
Guess I need to be harder
Tough like a rock
No storm shall wither 
Straighten up and fly right
Little sister

…All these lies I told myself 
Under the wool of a petticoat
With lace up boots 
and a velvet bow
But the material scratched…
right into my sensitive soul
Revealing the innocence of a naked girl
…With no excuses left for truth
Smiles skip by, unhinged in twos
I don’t need a reminder of 
how deep I miss you…
I watch my feet move 
Attached to another body
I can not feel my heart 
It floats in a transparent jar         
Titled “random art”
The school year has started 
The children dissect it
Unable to revive her                         …they retire exhausted
Make me a project
Alone on a park bench
The coat has blown away 
All that is left
….just me…


  

Sinking into night 

 

I carved out my soul

now i lay naked without my walls
I’ve no one to blame but myself
it is no one’s fault but mine
The ricochet of silly dreams
and backhand of belief
The fruitless hope forcing buds
like me
She’s a damn fighter

The Lord is all I have
I am clinging to Him with my whole being
in this blazing heat I am quivering
Lord I pray for life
that i may not shrink away
show me how you love your daughter
the metaphorical change to wine from water
Rain rubies and diamonds
glimpses into heaven
Misted in perfect falls of love

My eyes are black in this pulseless life
sparks extinguished
the loneliness of night
You did not search
You were already there
waiting with quiet arms
in my blue dreamers chair
I crawled upon your lap
A baby with no tears
unblock these caged emotions
unmute my screaming layers
frozen to cry
this hour I wail
rock me to sleep

Gently closing eyes…                            that weep