Who I AM! 

  

I am me

Shaken and broken 

With the strength of a tree

And the body of a flower

Whose petals have fallen

In a “blow the man down”

…type of manner. 

My mind is an attic of cobweb strings 

From years of trying to be their perfect “thing”

Believing they may like me

And I would finally be enough!

If I molded so purposefully 

Into their “with restrictions” kind of love…

But you see…

And listen please 

I became a porcelain doll so elegant and clean

Yet never, no not once…

Were they proud of me!

My friends, it was still not enough

Because an acceptance without abundance 

Is no form of love 

And the lines through my face        glued and replaced 

…Oh from the many many nights the doll did break! 

…Was too ugly for many who shunned without grace 

And then…

My body like a stem

Bare, with no protection 

Felt the realist love 

As God touched me from His heavens 

In my mind, spun and confused 

In my heart, tender and bruised 

In my being, sewn from the tragedy of truth

He believes I am beautiful!

I even heard him whisper…

“Daughter, just be yourself”

Hi, I am a mess… 

I am no more and certainly no less

But I am free

From the convictions of all the “whomevers” they wanted me to be…

The doll has been shattered to the doom of the well

To release a timid me 

In all my unruly mystery

He shouted as I bowed,

“My daughter you are lovely and 

I am ever….

So proud!”

  

Advertisements

Redefine Me…

  

My God my God!

Move me-
Beyond this pain that endlessly cycles
Through me-
Beyond this tiny room 
Reveal me-
Within the pages and pages 
I’ve torn from my soul
My mental occupation
Leaving only time for false roles
A false hope-
Wrapping everything up to open behind one door-
My dreams have shifted to            unrequited goals-
The fairytales have gone                     too far-
Losing the bargain to                         fools gold-
But my worth in Jesus still              sparks a jolt!
I look to you God…                                  to fix these pieces-
I look to you…                                          to guide my indecision-
I can be so naive at the mercy of… others consequences-
Their own guilt becomes…                     my premonition-
Walking in the shadows of their… shifting disposition-
While my own life…                                  is found missing!
I will sit alone with God                       and let Him do the fixing-
No other hands will spread…              my veins with their poison-
I need to flush out,                                   a life of ill decisions
To break loose…
A will power that has been frozen-
Under the weight of a, disproportionate submission-

We translate His word into… inappropriate definitions-
I still believe God as a friend 
I will shed the weight of,                   what I do not comprehend 
Through the analytical demise of a phychologist
Myself I need not defend!
Without my money,                         would even pretend to understand?
I want to be near those who              give their last dime to a needy one!
Whose sacrifices emulate what our Father did for his Son!
Who puts out their hand…
Instead of hiding it away-
Manipulating mind games …and…
Plotting unfair trades-
To those who have been affected        by the struggle,
Living life outside the…                 diluted comfort of a bubble-
Popped, broken and shattered!
I want to walk alongside the,        widows and the loners 
When you are down in it 
It is hard to know the difference 
between help that is real…and…       that which is counterfeit-
I ask God to reveal                               and please define!
The rules for a girl…
Who was born outside the lines. 


Sinking into night 

 

I carved out my soul

now i lay naked without my walls
I’ve no one to blame but myself
it is no one’s fault but mine
The ricochet of silly dreams
and backhand of belief
The fruitless hope forcing buds
like me
She’s a damn fighter

The Lord is all I have
I am clinging to Him with my whole being
in this blazing heat I am quivering
Lord I pray for life
that i may not shrink away
show me how you love your daughter
the metaphorical change to wine from water
Rain rubies and diamonds
glimpses into heaven
Misted in perfect falls of love

My eyes are black in this pulseless life
sparks extinguished
the loneliness of night
You did not search
You were already there
waiting with quiet arms
in my blue dreamers chair
I crawled upon your lap
A baby with no tears
unblock these caged emotions
unmute my screaming layers
frozen to cry
this hour I wail
rock me to sleep

Gently closing eyes…                            that weep

  

Just Me 

 

What is it like…to have you for a mother?

What is it like…to have me for a daughter?

They all tell me I’m special
My daughter in heaven
I tell her that too
But what about you?
How do you do?
Do you wonder about me?
Walking in circles
Pacing in dreams
Wondering 
Always wondering
What is it like…
To have you in my life
An empty room at the end of the night
Blank envelopes
Nothing to write