My Wild Angel

  

I am listening to all of our 

old jams

…thinking of you

Beastie Boys and 

Smashing Pumpkins 

Time does not fly 

…it is dangling on the edge of our bedroom window 

Watching us when we were kids 

Eddie Vedder and white tees 

And rebels just wanna have fun 

…so we did 

Now all my heart does is playback our memories 

Converse and coffee 

Hooked on the repeat

Smoke from your cigarette butts

Drawing a mirror 

around my face

Where you would always grin 

and say 

“Everything will be ok”

Even with the odds trimming the life from your face 

Honestly, without you here 

That hole in my gut, reappeared 

So be my wild angel 

And I will be your little rebel

Be my wild angel

Hold me and whisper…

Anything 

Scream our songs through the wind

Hit me with the beats like a best friend 

I love you and there is no end

Be my wild angel

Lead me into heaven

…So we can be kids again 

  

 


Advertisements

Fragility of Yesterday

IMG_3668

*This post might be hard for some to read if you have lost a little one*

This may not be very poetic but it is on my heart and needs to come out, so I am sharing- In the middle of watching a silly clip on you tube,in which the people decided to play a prank, a prank where a woman was pretending to die and the man was on the line with 911, who was walking him through the steps of administering CPR.  Of course the silliness was lost on me and in that instant my heart began to race and my body got hot-I wanted to scream but I just turned over, lying down and letting the pure pain fluster around my body and soul-like a wicked fast hummingbird trapped inside a cage-unable to fly and lose herself against the sky.

In the flicker of the CPR clip my mind had a flashback-and that is the rawness of a flashback-it really is one’s body zapping into another time frame.  I was suddenly standing over my daughters little body, on the phone with the 911 operator who was walking me through how to administer CPR to a baby. I kept yelling at her “It’s not working-she’s not breathing!!” Like the movies false hope I expected her to automatically start breathing again-but that did not happen. I cannot talk too much about it, years later it still literally rips me up inside.  I just really miss her today,I miss her so much. That flashback stopped me in my tracks, moving me  through the fiery faces of the stars and placed my feet above the small beautiful body of my precious baby girl-trying to bring her back to life, still not comprehending that she has gone…

Fragility of Yesterday

My memories come with a price

So I freeze them

My brain is my bartender and I am sayin’

“Put that one on ice”-

Unable to revel in the sweet times

I am frozen, with a fragile heart

and broken bones

Screaming above my daughter

In a flashback

of yesterdays mother

232323232fp3>nu=3242>-36>836>WSNRCG=3232-6373;8;-nu0mrjDSC05281

IMG_2495IMG_1473

My Light 

She sits with her back to me

On the edge of our memories
She knows I am close 
It’s the bond of our blended souls 
Her hair sweeps over her shoulder
She is the sunshine for our summer 
All the pasts of darkness 
Worked through gravestones to 
dig and bury us
Yet even in between rock and mortar 
Light will always break asunder 
And now I pause and watch her
My fairy winged angel
With a raw fleshed halo 
For generations 
We have clung together 
She saved my life 
Volunteering for the front lines 
Demanding to take the fall for us 
My sweet sweet breath of existence 
It is in you I find 
My eternal light. 

Sacred

IMG_0147

Beyond the ruins
Of my exasperated soul
I curl into a tiny ball
A camouflaged creature
Just another broken piece
Through the haze
Of our galaxies and Milkyway
You’ve cradled my face
You reappear
Unafraid of loving
A tattered girl
I’m trembling for your closeness
You curl into my brokenness
Your words twinkle my bleakness
I know you say
You’re no angel
Yet your spirit is saving me
For a future
That is, to be continued…

Accidental Death

stand_still_by_xrls[1] (2)

I sank into the corner

Outside looking in

On my tiny little frame

And the pain it was in

Curled into a slender ball

Head buried into the darkness of my knees

Fetal

Surrounded with cherry colored

Little bottles

All filled with different pills

Prescribed candy from a doctor

We just went out to have some fun

Then one shot of Patron

Stacked into ten

Or more

Maybe we really went to

Kill our pain

With a shot right to the heart

I told her “get me 9-11”

My body was soaked and trembling

Pins and needs pushing

Into my skin that was

Pale and crying

Black eyeliner streaking over white powder

Face of a mime dancer

Naked and cold

She brought me a warm blanket

My body one with the floor

Not feeling well herself

Yet knowing I was worse

She knelt down

And softly said

“shh, you’re ok”

As she calmed my withdrawn body

Massaging my feet and my legs

My angel knew just what to do

My heart tremored not as fast

I popped a few random pills

Begging for the pain to pass

I started thinking of people like

Amy Whinehouse and Heath Ledger

I started thinking of people

Like my only brother

Is this what it is like?

To accidently die

You can’t even count the pills

You’re just praying for sleep

And the pain to subside

I believe I was saved

By the angel at my feet

Because I could of sworn my spirit was dying

When I was only meaning to sleep