Fragility of Yesterday

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*This post might be hard for some to read if you have lost a little one*

This may not be very poetic but it is on my heart and needs to come out, so I am sharing- In the middle of watching a silly clip on you tube,in which the people decided to play a prank, a prank where a woman was pretending to die and the man was on the line with 911, who was walking him through the steps of administering CPR.  Of course the silliness was lost on me and in that instant my heart began to race and my body got hot-I wanted to scream but I just turned over, lying down and letting the pure pain fluster around my body and soul-like a wicked fast hummingbird trapped inside a cage-unable to fly and lose herself against the sky.

In the flicker of the CPR clip my mind had a flashback-and that is the rawness of a flashback-it really is one’s body zapping into another time frame.  I was suddenly standing over my daughters little body, on the phone with the 911 operator who was walking me through how to administer CPR to a baby. I kept yelling at her “It’s not working-she’s not breathing!!” Like the movies false hope I expected her to automatically start breathing again-but that did not happen. I cannot talk too much about it, years later it still literally rips me up inside.  I just really miss her today,I miss her so much. That flashback stopped me in my tracks, moving me  through the fiery faces of the stars and placed my feet above the small beautiful body of my precious baby girl-trying to bring her back to life, still not comprehending that she has gone…

Fragility of Yesterday

My memories come with a price

So I freeze them

My brain is my bartender and I am sayin’

“Put that one on ice”-

Unable to revel in the sweet times

I am frozen, with a fragile heart

and broken bones

Screaming above my daughter

In a flashback

of yesterdays mother

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Ancestral Sage


This morning I woke

In an ancestral cage

Passed down and cleansed with grandmothers

White sage

A glowing freedom

A warrior’s song

All the victors have fallen for

And all we have overcome

I swung back and forth

Allowing the tears to come

Grief takes up chapters in our story

As does the peace, awakening and love

Yet today I chant a tear note melody

The wailing of a mother’s fractured heart remedy

I do not feel beautiful

My soul is bowed in a pale shaded woe

And I will rock in this cage

Until grandmothers spirit whispers

…go


In the Heart of my Night 

  

This has been 

…a spirit stretched day

And now that it is through

Wish I could pull up a simple chair

To sit and talk with you

It has been gravely long 

Since our parallel souls sang a song 

We tally each blessing

Deciphering right from wrong

The nights fall short and the days are shy 

The silence we adorn 

Flies on the backs of hurricanes in the  cries of a storm 

If I could cradle the eye of the blow 

And ride it to you

You could balance my weeping

In a harmony of two

  

Unattended 

  

 
Upon these cotton blankets
My head falls
Tired and wasted
I smell you like you never left
A hundred sentences
Composed from one breath 
The flicker of a memory 
A single droplet
Composed from one symphony
A sadness washes over me
Unattended now
Hushing echoes of my soliloquy
 
  

 

 

The Blade of Lonely 





Closeness, like a needle on a string 

When will it mend 
When will it maim 
Ripping hard into temptation 
The lure of loves injection 
The camoflaughed virus within the vaccine 
Infected veins now running weak 
The wandering soul
The hawk eyes of the bird
To entrap her life
The craving for company 
Creates a naive ignorance 
So I coat myself with armor
A preference of protection over comfort 
I walk with my claws out
A warrior who has learned 
It’s best not to hold the earnest hand
God and I may be head to head
I’m a stubborn daughter 
With defenses up
But as my life completes its cycle
He’s the only one who’s never left
These bones of alone 
Are loaded with fire, not fragility
Forgive me Father 
But I’ll swing like a bat
And I won’t miss
The one who dare come near me
Adorned with the foul fragrance
Of false promises 

The Untold I

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The untold
Sneaks through the rift
Piercing my bones
Some days, sleeping stagnant
And undetermined
Like a windless river
Inside the crevice of my heart
But today
It rages, frenzied like a bull
The untold
Pounds against the locked doors of my soul
Biting its daggers into my pulse
Buried and untold
Piled and packed tight
The routine smile
While the untold cries
And hides
In desolate corners
And forbidden places
Plagued by the essence
Of being ashamed
So muted and untold
Is how
I Remain

Slices of a Souldier- the heart

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You escort my heart out
From under me
Massaging and loving
Persuading and wooing
Charming and convincing
Subtlety turning
Toward cowardly convictions
Flatlining the beat you set in motion
Placing it on the pavement
While you disappear
Just for a minute…
Dear…
Seasons pass then reappear
My heart long succumbed
To your dead cold air
Another burnt strand of hair
Another scratch against the mirror
Lest you uncover your ear
Detecting my heart alive and vulnerable
These are the wounds
That etch me into a souldier

Posture

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Why is it so hard to be alone

So painful
Like a stinging nettle grasping my bones
Some days it collapses my frame
And ill never understand it
Instead I live with it
These traumatic incidences
That push me further outside the fences
Watching others parade around inside
Switching partners in misinformed lines
The dogs bite my wings
And I’m off flying again
To land in another meadow
Alone I stay, alone I go
Misery is not my company
Neither is happiness
I step along the stones of shifting circumstances
Isolated
Yet always waiting
For hands.