Fragility of Yesterday

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*This post might be hard for some to read if you have lost a little one*

This may not be very poetic but it is on my heart and needs to come out, so I am sharing- In the middle of watching a silly clip on you tube,in which the people decided to play a prank, a prank where a woman was pretending to die and the man was on the line with 911, who was walking him through the steps of administering CPR.  Of course the silliness was lost on me and in that instant my heart began to race and my body got hot-I wanted to scream but I just turned over, lying down and letting the pure pain fluster around my body and soul-like a wicked fast hummingbird trapped inside a cage-unable to fly and lose herself against the sky.

In the flicker of the CPR clip my mind had a flashback-and that is the rawness of a flashback-it really is one’s body zapping into another time frame.  I was suddenly standing over my daughters little body, on the phone with the 911 operator who was walking me through how to administer CPR to a baby. I kept yelling at her “It’s not working-she’s not breathing!!” Like the movies false hope I expected her to automatically start breathing again-but that did not happen. I cannot talk too much about it, years later it still literally rips me up inside.  I just really miss her today,I miss her so much. That flashback stopped me in my tracks, moving me  through the fiery faces of the stars and placed my feet above the small beautiful body of my precious baby girl-trying to bring her back to life, still not comprehending that she has gone…

Fragility of Yesterday

My memories come with a price

So I freeze them

My brain is my bartender and I am sayin’

“Put that one on ice”-

Unable to revel in the sweet times

I am frozen, with a fragile heart

and broken bones

Screaming above my daughter

In a flashback

of yesterdays mother

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Reality Wednesday 

I hate being hurt by others. No matter how many times it happens, it still hits like it were the first…

When I give my all and it is not enough 

When sadness smokes an insult 

I am overlaid in its puff 

When a promise is betrayed 

I know you let my secret run wild 

My soul burns 

In a tear kindled fire 

My reality…

My heart is not taken seriously 

Again pushed into a corner 

Just my Savior and me 

  

Flashback 

 

The eyelids of night close upon

A day wrapped with warmth 
And echoes of children’s play
Inside the moons gleam
I lose myself with intention of sleep
But I am caught up on a turbulent sea
Thrusting me back to a time with thee
Playing and giggling 
Your precious delight 
Cooing and yawning 
Sweetly rockin on my side 
Then the undertow grabs my feet and ankles 
Fighting like a stubborn swine to the dinner table
The waters trap me into a flashback reel…
A little home in the aged country
Mama cooking supper, while baby sleeps 
Her life brings me joy, so I twirl and tweet
…Mama opens the door with beaming heart
To wake up an angelic daughter 
And cradle her in my arms 
Only to find…
A scene I still cannot describe 
A baby not breathing! 
Did Jesus just pass by?
Or Is this just the evil we call
“life”
Her face unmoved!
My visions are pleading 
“Please stop the playback!”
“Please erase this image!”
But the moon is now snoring 
And the tide is pulling back
I wish to cut these lines of gravity!
I wish to extinguish the flashes of back
My ankles slow to be freed 
As I wear that nightmare like a hat
Covering my reddened eyes 
And tucking the returning guilt under my cap 
I am quietly tossed to the welcoming sand
As the sun wakes and stretches 
Greeting the insomnia of land
One two march-one two step 
Again I have not slept 
Fighting with the tug of the flashbacks
To be woken by the sun
The search for my daughter 
I can no longer stand.  
  

Still here 

  

I’m alone on all sides

The center of a dissenagrating point
The compass pointed home
So on shaky knees you rose 
I remain behind
Asking why
The question becomes a scream in no time 
I want your life
I want your life 
At the center of a dissenagrating point
I’ve already flatlined 
I have no life
I have no life 
A body without a fire
The world without a brother 
Alone on all sides
A child taken without her mother 
The compass points home 
An infected earth where the demons roam
You’re high above with the angels
While I’m still here, staring at the devil.  


Written: 8~11~14





The Miss



This week arrives 

Like heat on ice 
The impact of my heart disintegrating 
It weakens and remains solemn
I miss you sweetie
And the miss within is raging 
Its teeth are cutting 
Its fangs are slashing 
Its eyes are stinging 
Its throat is a compilation of rocks
Stuck on memories
To force a stop 
Don’t tell me to capture the moments 
The miss is still angry
Remembering craddling her lifeless daughter
Is that what you want me to see?
Years later 
The miss is sicker than ever 
Oh no!
The aftershock of disaster
Rolling through my busted structure 
Why why why…
It’s maddening, I’ll never know 
I just float in this miss
Covering and curling me in
Losing my daughter
Losing my skin 



Denial 



I really miss you today

Blue eyes 
Always converse
Always the jokester
The tragedy laced into my heart
As I stitch it tears apart
The pulse of where you are 
In the flesh that swims upstream
In the veins that give and take
The mothers milk 
Where I am permanently stayed 
My nails I bite 
Claw and fight me
Growing back at quicker speeds
A metaphor that is now my grief 
I cry and wail
Yet the missing only intensifies
I can’t stand to admit it!
Have you really died? 

Sadness on display 

Sadness on display

Oh my heart, how it breaks 
Swinging like a ball and chain
I suppose this is how you like it 
To see my sadness on display
I will not escape the fire beneath my feet
I choose to take the beating and absorb the pain 
And my eyes hurt from attempts to see something other than deception 
Slumped in the corner, 
the diorama of dissection 
My soul bobs in a sea of weeping 
God himself can’t dull the wailing 
And you ran away 
And you ran so fast
While I screamed at your door 
Until the morning reached four 
I woke as a centerpiece to your game of wicked hope
With mocking fingers pointing
“You should have known”
So my dear, you’ve won 
And here I am, shredded once again
I suppose you’ve been waiting 
For the grand showcase
Another trophy behind glass 
My sadness on display 

Avalanche



I cannot talk 

There is an avalanche in my throat
It is a raging storm 
Pleading an exit of eruption
I cannot run
I am chain linked to this entity
I may not pour out every sickness
That runs through my veins
And colors my eyes
But God views
The lacerated and the bruised
While you turn the lights out
And tac yourself to a frame in the wall
I am chucked into the light
With the radiation ssssting
Of a pulse so terrified she’s stuttering 
The avalanche is booming 
God will not make his move
The demons crawl and lurk 
Why on earth
Would you choose to sprint with them 
With a back turned
As I burn under the damned 

Dark Corners 



Dark Corners 

I found you in a dark corner
Alone and scarred
Thirsting
Believing yourself undeserving 
I came from a dark place too
So tired and bruised 
Strong was the desire to be the water for you
Have what you need
I love you 
I want you in my forever
You said it was possible 
Then she returned 
And our grown flesh was 
Once again dried bones 
Why would you tell me
You have to sit and be with her 
Then asking me to wait 
Lick the scrap from your dinner plates? 
No
No thanks 
I couldn’t help but love you
You couldn’t help but pull away
These recycled patterns
Will keep us in dark corners
Day after day