Heart to heart 

It will almost be ten years ago that I lost my middle child. My sweet baby girl with eyes like the ocean and flaming orange hair that was wild like the warmest sun. It is the hardest event I have ever gone through. My former husband would put me down and blame me for her passing. His words shot holes through my heart and the seeds of guilt began to grow.
For ten years I have been carrying that enormous rock of guilt around. All of the what ifs that carve away the wholeness of my mind. When I did not think I could feel smaller or break apart anymore I would. I have been consumed by  sadness for that sweet soul.
This week I collapsed inside its arms and I said goodbye. I am tired. I am shaken and yes totally broken. I am done with shouldering this weight.
I sat by the lake today and told my daughter how much I love her and now mama is going to allow herself to remember the good without cringing because of how the good eventually was no more.
I told myself I am a damn good mom. Yes I am flawed. Yes I struggle. But I love my children with every ounce of myself. I have always done my best. I could not save her but no one could have. All of us will leave here without a heartbeat. Is it ever not going to hurt? This message isn’t about what happened to her, but it’s about the afterward. It’s about self forgiveness. It’s looking in the mirror and not loathing the woman I see. It’s loving the smile parts of life. It’s not letting others cruelty ruin the woman I am! I am not what he said. I am not the lies in my head. I am a fractured human, who is trying hard to love this life again and today I took my first step forward after being frozen in shame for years. Today my guilt expired and in its place- a beautiful bottle of friendship. To be my own friend again and I must say, it is nice to meet me ❤💫

💫💫Hi WordPress family! It’s been so long since I have posted here and I’m sorry for that. I love this place. I’ve been working on Instagram as it is easier for me and then I wasn’t finding the time to manage both sites. I am trying to figure that out:)

If you’re over in the Insta world please connect with me @_souldiergirl_ so I can see you and of course love and support you! 

Happy Friday 💋💫💫💫

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My Scattered Heart 

Do you ever wonder 


About the pieces we give away
Trusting hearts
Vulnerability misplaced
The precious parts
We hand over like
Trading cards
For a temporary love
I think of mine
Inside dresser drawers
and back pockets
Of…wrinkled trousers
Tone deaf caskets
Scattered with my brothers ashes
The crusted corner of
A once unassuming smile
A handshake, a pinkie promise
A hopeful wish
We made together
Only to hear it crumble
My heart is scattered
With a forgotten child
And ancient lovers
Buried in a sandbox on Fredrick street
…that time capsule
Remember?
I feel the pressure
The beating twice as hard
Of the scars 
That once held parts
And maybe I am not whole
But I am a growing seed
Planted throughout the world
And I wasn’t always right
To give it away
But I took the gamble
And there are these sweet moments
Where I won
Like a radiant flower
Linked up with the sun
Is she any less capable
Without each one of her petals? 

Peace from Pieces 

​I would really like a piece 


of your peace
That you carry with you everyday
Over your shoulder, in the ease of your smile
My burdens turn steps into miles
While you turn stones into water
Just give it over, give it over
…You say
To hold it does not serve you
…You say
As you dance above the fray
Adding hours to an elusive day
Sunshine upon a sunken face
My tear drops turn into storms
While you make roses from thorns
I would really like a piece
of your peace
Just give it over, give it over
…You say
As a weight is lifted from my shoulders
And I slowly melt into to the falling waters
While you make peace from pieces
Taking the heaviness from your daughter
Turning sorrow into laughter 

* thank you my WordPress family, for welcoming me back with such love and kindness. Each one of you is a treasure to me. Love love love!!

Thank You

Please read this deeply touching piece by our sunshine girl, Jessica. Love you 💜

Send Sunshine

rescue_cThere is a deep appreciation that I have not acknowledged, a personal moment that I will remember for the rest of my life. Where a person’s compassion was not afraid to speak in a moment when they could have remained silent. This gratitude I wish to extend to a stranger’s voice that reached me in my raw grief.

Sincerely, Deeply, Thank You.

Several years ago, I cried a daughter’s tears. I wept a deep anguish in the back of a bathroom stall. Hidden to the world, I refused to be seen, yet my silence could not be contained. In the acceptance of a sentence that was soon to occur, I bawled. Ugly, unforgiving sobs, cowering in the face of my future.

In the middle of my pain, not recognizing there was another person in the world, a voice drifted to me. A real individual whose face I would never see…

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Paper Ears 

  

I needed to get back 

To the lab again

Alone with paper and pen 

All these emotions 

Shooting through me 

In an unannounced current 

Of electricity 

Keeping me up turning 

The spin of the ballerina in that box

Hearing the music of my own 

…melodic thoughts

Like a deer in the woods 

Frolicking and evading 

The hunters postured in each direction 

The compass behind my eyes

Faithfully guided me to a covered protection 

To transfer the impulses from 

inside 

…to out 

All I needed to do was

Write

Them 

Down