Heart to heart 

It will almost be ten years ago that I lost my middle child. My sweet baby girl with eyes like the ocean and flaming orange hair that was wild like the warmest sun. It is the hardest event I have ever gone through. My former husband would put me down and blame me for her passing. His words shot holes through my heart and the seeds of guilt began to grow.
For ten years I have been carrying that enormous rock of guilt around. All of the what ifs that carve away the wholeness of my mind. When I did not think I could feel smaller or break apart anymore I would. I have been consumed by  sadness for that sweet soul.
This week I collapsed inside its arms and I said goodbye. I am tired. I am shaken and yes totally broken. I am done with shouldering this weight.
I sat by the lake today and told my daughter how much I love her and now mama is going to allow herself to remember the good without cringing because of how the good eventually was no more.
I told myself I am a damn good mom. Yes I am flawed. Yes I struggle. But I love my children with every ounce of myself. I have always done my best. I could not save her but no one could have. All of us will leave here without a heartbeat. Is it ever not going to hurt? This message isn’t about what happened to her, but it’s about the afterward. It’s about self forgiveness. It’s looking in the mirror and not loathing the woman I see. It’s loving the smile parts of life. It’s not letting others cruelty ruin the woman I am! I am not what he said. I am not the lies in my head. I am a fractured human, who is trying hard to love this life again and today I took my first step forward after being frozen in shame for years. Today my guilt expired and in its place- a beautiful bottle of friendship. To be my own friend again and I must say, it is nice to meet me ❤💫

💫💫Hi WordPress family! It’s been so long since I have posted here and I’m sorry for that. I love this place. I’ve been working on Instagram as it is easier for me and then I wasn’t finding the time to manage both sites. I am trying to figure that out:)

If you’re over in the Insta world please connect with me @_souldiergirl_ so I can see you and of course love and support you! 

Happy Friday 💋💫💫💫

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61 thoughts on “Heart to heart 

  1. I can’t imagine the loss of one of my kids. I have no idea what happened to your daughter, but to have been made to feel as though it was somehow your fault is the worst thing someone could do to you. I’m sorry you’ve been carrying that unnecessary and insidious weight all those years. I certainly hope this level of peace continues for you. 😊

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  2. I do not know the weight that you have had to shoulder, the tremendous burden on your heart and soul, but I can imagine and my heart hurts for what you must have felt. This, made ten times worse by being apportioned the blame for your loss. No one should have been made to feel that way. It sounds like you have found your beginning and I am so pleased to hear that. Let those precious memories warm you from this day forward. xo

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  3. My dearest, friend! Reading your words touches me in many ways. The moment has come when the Phoenix rises and I see a beautiful and powerful transformed Phoenix. Nobody can ever imagine where you went through and what it means to a parent. So, it is your personal process of working through something that nobody else can even imagine. And here you are, my shining soul-sister! I am so happy about your breakthrough but also to see you here again. I send you the strongest embrace 💖💖

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    1. Erika! My sunshine light:)) I think of you and miss you so much. Thank you for your kind and genuine words to me. I love the image of the Phoenix rising from the ashes and to be compared to that is such a sweet blessing for I often feel so weak and it was in my weakest moment that I was able to get to the point of release. I love my sweet soul sister. Thank you loveliest Erika 💗💗

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      1. Sometimes it is the lowest point we need to reach in order to find the ground to push off and rise up again. I missed you too and seeing you back is such a joy. I am always there for you and nothing has changed that. Feel strongly embraced, my dear sister 💖

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  4. I am completely with you. The worse thing that can ever happen is losing a child. From what I understand as much as the lose of your daughter was the hardest thing ever at least for awhile you got to know her and be with her. I had only one chance. I carried a baby girl for almost nine months to have a stillbirth and I very rarely ever think about it but it is ever there in the back of my mind. No, never had any children. Blessings to you.

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    1. I am so sorry to hear of your loss. Mother’s heart to mothers heart I send hugs and love. I am so sorry for that pain. Thank you for sharing with me, I know it can be very difficult. I appreciate you and send blessings to you as well💗

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  5. Happy Friday, Shieldmaiden!
    “Each time she returns to my word she enters like a god, trailing phoenix down and cinders”

    Always in awe of your warrior spirit. ❤ ❤ ❤

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  6. It has taken some time Kristin, but the biggest understandings are always the hardest and need that space to find you. And that is the important bit.
    It is ‘because’ of what you have endured you have finally found something that no other experience can give you…finding your heart, the one that poured all that love out but suddenly closed over. It is a very strong organ, and needed for you to break back through and find that beauty inside again.
    And your daughter, with great love, helped you to do that. She will always be a part of who you are…always. and all those accusations thrown at you were also to help you go past your feelings and ‘see’ the beauty inside. It was only the deep hurt and pain that held you in its grasp, but now you are able to ‘see’ past them. Each step you go past this point will drop them away and allow you to ‘see’ that they now have lost their power. They now only are to do with the accusers, and their inability to go past their own pain.
    Your pain, emotions and feelings of self worth are now on a new journey, one that will show you the beauty you have discovered within. It is your time. It is time to love that beautiful heart within and release those wrappings of pain, and ‘see’ the truth of what you now become ‘because’ of what you have gone through.
    Your shield from others is just you standing in that truth, for you have created something that is stronger than anything this world can throw at you, and beautiful as well.
    Now just be you, stand with that new heart, and be the empathy and love you have found, for it is in loving yourself that all is defeated. You have won. You are free, and a freedom like no other ❤
    Welcome home beautiful lady…welcome home ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Mark! Thank you so much for being here and dropping your incredible words and wisdom on me 💗 I took a break and went away alone and it was hard but then beauty broke through like the rising sun and I had a moment where I was finally able to release and realize some very important soul truths. I’m blessed today, continuing one step at a time. You are a huge help to me and i am ever grateful to you. So happy to see you again (see/read) 😊💗💗

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      1. My pleasure to ‘see’ and hear you also Kristin. It takes a big spirit to break through, but you’ve done the magic with the only armament that can…your heart. And I’m so glad to ‘hear’ it beating again with a beauty and strength like no other ❤
        Welcome back ❤ 😀 ❤

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  7. Remember this my sweet sis!

    To everything there is a season,
    A time for every purpose under heaven:
    2 A time to be born,
    And a time to die;
    A time to plant,
    And a time to pluck what is planted;
    3 A time to kill,
    And a time to heal;
    A time to break down,
    And a time to build up;
    4 A time to weep,
    And a time to laugh;
    A time to mourn,
    And a time to dance;
    5 A time to cast away stones,
    And a time to gather stones;
    A time to embrace,
    And a time to refrain from embracing;
    6 A time to gain,
    And a time to lose;
    A time to keep,
    And a time to throw away;
    7 A time to tear,
    And a time to sew;
    A time to keep silence,
    And a time to speak;
    8 A time to love,
    And a time to hate;
    A time of war,
    And a time of peace.

    It is time to heal. The enemy has stolen too much from you including your peace. God bless you.

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  8. Aaah…the liberation in your words, that was sad but in the most beautiful ways. I don’t think i can say anything that would justice to your loss or that feeling afterwards. Please accept my warm hugs. I hope you feel it ♥️
    And yes I will definitely find you on Instagram. I too just started being active on my Instagram account and blog as well.
    Much love,
    Zee

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I can’t begin to imagine what a mama goes through when she loses a child. Thanks for sharing your heart. Self forgiveness, not blaming ourselves, etc…. are so important when there has been such a tragedy. I pray you are able to heal. ❤

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  10. A big blessings to you my friend. I am sorry for your loss…I know this happen a long time ago…I didn’t know this happen. I am here for you if you need a friend to talk to. Unfortunately, I don’t have Instagram, or any other social media platform. I only use WordPress. Please take care and I’ll be here if you want to talk. Blessings to you my friend.

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  11. Sending love, and yes, ten years of holding on is long enough.. It is now the time of Letting Go of many things as we embrace the changes to come both within and outside in this world..
    Your sweet child I am sure does not want you to carry such a burden anymore.. And grief does strange things to people who lash out pointing blame when there is none, other than the loss of such a precious soul..
    So welcome Back SG…
    And I am so pleased as I back tracked this evening upon my own long catch up today, I saw your post..
    Love and Blessings Sue xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Dear New Soul, 🌈 you deserve so much happiness to make up for the pains you have gone through. It seems like people who lose their children, or as a past special ed. preschool teacher, give blame for the child’s being born with disabilities. Neither is ever anyone’s fault. So sad you lost your beautiful daughter. I feel so bad for you.
    I hope this new you will be able to realize Isabelle is in Heaven 🕊 (or wherever your faith feels she is) and totally wants you to be happy! ❤ Thank you for liking my posts recently. xo 💐

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