It will almost be ten years ago that I lost my middle child. My sweet baby girl with eyes like the ocean and flaming orange hair that was wild like the warmest sun. It is the hardest event I have ever gone through. My former husband would put me down and blame me for her passing. His words shot holes through my heart and the seeds of guilt began to grow.
For ten years I have been carrying that enormous rock of guilt around. All of the what ifs that carve away the wholeness of my mind. When I did not think I could feel smaller or break apart anymore I would. I have been consumed by sadness for that sweet soul.
This week I collapsed inside its arms and I said goodbye. I am tired. I am shaken and yes totally broken. I am done with shouldering this weight.
I sat by the lake today and told my daughter how much I love her and now mama is going to allow herself to remember the good without cringing because of how the good eventually was no more.
I told myself I am a damn good mom. Yes I am flawed. Yes I struggle. But I love my children with every ounce of myself. I have always done my best. I could not save her but no one could have. All of us will leave here without a heartbeat. Is it ever not going to hurt? This message isn’t about what happened to her, but it’s about the afterward. It’s about self forgiveness. It’s looking in the mirror and not loathing the woman I see. It’s loving the smile parts of life. It’s not letting others cruelty ruin the woman I am! I am not what he said. I am not the lies in my head. I am a fractured human, who is trying hard to love this life again and today I took my first step forward after being frozen in shame for years. Today my guilt expired and in its place- a beautiful bottle of friendship. To be my own friend again and I must say, it is nice to meet me ❤💫
💫💫Hi WordPress family! It’s been so long since I have posted here and I’m sorry for that. I love this place. I’ve been working on Instagram as it is easier for me and then I wasn’t finding the time to manage both sites. I am trying to figure that out:)
If you’re over in the Insta world please connect with me @_souldiergirl_ so I can see you and of course love and support you!
Happy Friday 💋💫💫💫