Fragility of Yesterday

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*This post might be hard for some to read if you have lost a little one*

This may not be very poetic but it is on my heart and needs to come out, so I am sharing- In the middle of watching a silly clip on you tube,in which the people decided to play a prank, a prank where a woman was pretending to die and the man was on the line with 911, who was walking him through the steps of administering CPR.  Of course the silliness was lost on me and in that instant my heart began to race and my body got hot-I wanted to scream but I just turned over, lying down and letting the pure pain fluster around my body and soul-like a wicked fast hummingbird trapped inside a cage-unable to fly and lose herself against the sky.

In the flicker of the CPR clip my mind had a flashback-and that is the rawness of a flashback-it really is one’s body zapping into another time frame.  I was suddenly standing over my daughters little body, on the phone with the 911 operator who was walking me through how to administer CPR to a baby. I kept yelling at her “It’s not working-she’s not breathing!!” Like the movies false hope I expected her to automatically start breathing again-but that did not happen. I cannot talk too much about it, years later it still literally rips me up inside.  I just really miss her today,I miss her so much. That flashback stopped me in my tracks, moving me  through the fiery faces of the stars and placed my feet above the small beautiful body of my precious baby girl-trying to bring her back to life, still not comprehending that she has gone…

Fragility of Yesterday

My memories come with a price

So I freeze them

My brain is my bartender and I am sayin’

“Put that one on ice”-

Unable to revel in the sweet times

I am frozen, with a fragile heart

and broken bones

Screaming above my daughter

In a flashback

of yesterdays mother

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146 thoughts on “Fragility of Yesterday

  1. I am left speechless. I can only imagine the never ending grief losing a child leaves you with. Thinking of you and hoping that your pain will lessen but your memories of her will remain fresh and vibrant. A beautiful lilt in your day. Many hugs to you lovely soul xo

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    1. I cant respond to the comments below, so wanted to say thank you and I had read your post then when I saw the link to it here afterward, I was moved to tears. “He did that for me!?” The kindness and love I have found here is mind blowing and heart moving. xxx

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      1. Yes ma’am! you inspired me to write that piece. because I want you to know , I understand the pain that you have shared with me. and I want to do my best to help you understand though it may seem like you are alone. you are not. love always

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  2. Sweet, sweet Souldier. I am at your side in the battle of the memories that tear through time and seize our hearts. She is such a beautiful angel. I know that she is with my Jesse soaring the heavens and empower this fight that keeps us from going under. I am at your side! Forever: mothers-in-arms. I love you so very much.

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    1. Thank you Annie-Im in a slump. It’s so hard to remember that moment of loss. I love you too- a lot! I have found so much comfort here and it gets me through. Knowing I’m not alone and that our babies are soaring together, it’s so sad but it draws me with you and that has been beautiful. Love you sweet Annie.

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      1. I love you too, sweet girl. It’s a struggle for sure but we keep marching until we are reunited with our angels. We fight together!

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      1. Oh Vee- ugg. I am so sorry sweetie. Don’t give up sister. There is something out there that is just right for you. This is part of your journey to get to that place. I believe sweet sister- hold on beautiful 💖💖

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      2. I am perfectly okay with my decision. I know I’ll find something more suitable for me. I got spoiled sitting on my backside behind a keyboard. A lot has changed in thirty years!!! LOL! I upgraded to windows 10 today….something else to master. Blessings and peace my sister. 😊💚✌

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  3. This brought me to tears. I’m so very sorry my friend. There are no words to take away your pain, I know this. Sending you prayers, love, and a gentle reminder she is a beautiful, delicate angel who shines down upon you…

    Myself, I know all too well that feeling of desperation, the feeling of trying to breathe life back into your child. My experience was my son, he was 18, and he tried to take his own life. He survived, thankfully, but it’s been a very long road.

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    1. Oh honey, I’m so sorry. I am thankful he made it through- and can only imagine the journey it has been. Maybe that is why we are kindred souls and have found eachother here. Thank you for being here and for all of your love and kindness. I receive it and send it back to you ❤️

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  4. I wish that virtual hugs could be felt. Hard to read, yes and started the old feeling of a black hole opening inside me… I don’t think we can truly know another’s pain but sometimes know a little of it… Keeping you in my thoughts and sending that hug ❤

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    1. Thank you Karin. I know that black hole and don’t wish you there, you are such a loving and encouraging spirit. I wish I could always be speaking light but life is full of shadows too and I write so much in those times. I have found this place to be safe for me to share and there are not many places that bring that feeling. Thank you again so much ❤️

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  5. It is impossible to imagine where you have gone through in those minutes, hours and years after. Whatever I imagine is almost unbearable but for sure is just the peak oth the iceberg. I feel with you. There is nothing to be said which could comfort a grieving mother. But looking at those beauiful photos I am happy that you had her. It is so hard to understand why things happen. And sometimes we will never understand. Love you lots, my lovely friend. That is all I can do! 💖 💖 💖

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    1. Thank you Erika. You are so gentle and wise with your words. I am so glad our paths have crossed. Sorry I’ve been a bit absent lately, it’s those unexpected hits in life that slow me down but will never stop me. Just taking a minute to breathe. Your friendship, words and love mean more than I can say. Thank you ❤️

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      1. We all have our own rhythm and that can change due to the happenings or the situations in our life. It is great that you follow your rhythm, Souldier. The best you can do. Thank you for your lovely words, dear sister 😘 😘 😘

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    1. Oh that means so much to me- I don’t even remember the last time I just broke down and wept for her and someone held me- I will hold this love you send close to my heart,it means so so much. Love you too.

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      1. You’re welcome, helping you find encouragement is the least anyone could do. I would imagine you could never get over such a loss, but I hope you can find a way to at least live with it.

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  6. This just tears me up inside. So sorry you lost your precious little girl. She is beautiful and I wish I could make your pain go away. I have two babies in heaven. Maybe they are all happily playing together. One can only hope… Hugs to you my friend!

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      1. Awwwww, thank you. That is sweet. Isn’t it great how we have this safe place here in cyber land. It seems so much easier to express, doesn’t it?
        Have an amazing week SG.
        🙂 ❤

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  7. I am so sorry for your loss No words can express my deepest sympathies my dear. Your Sweet Angel that looks upon you at all times. And here, with your blogging friends, you are never alone. We are here. Thank you for sharing such a painful time and memory. You are in my prayers. BIG hugs to you!!

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    1. And thank you for being here. I can’t tell you how many people within hugging distance have up and left me and my children too. I am crying right now-I really needed to hear this today. I do not feel alone here. Thank you for finding me and being such a light, loving and dear angel to me.

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      1. I’m sorry hun. It’s their loss for sure! It’s a sign, you don’t need people like that in your life just to bring you down anyway. You have us and we are not going anywhere! BIG HUGS to you girl!!

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  8. Hey. Even if you don’t feel like it- you are strong. And you are strong for her. The closest I could relate- though I don’t really put it anywhere near that level of intense pain- is the multiple miscarriages my ex and I had during our marriage. One of those was especially the most painful.

    I read in another blog once something along the lines that the main thing you want to know in the hard times is that you are not the only one getting “rained on”.

    Honestly when I read this all I felt was deep grief for you and just in general. It’s not okay. And that’s okay. Just trying not to say what I know never helped me in those times and share anything that I think might have. If I was there I would bring awesome gelato and just sit in silence and maybe watch something or do nothing with you. I know in my worst times that was all I really wanted. Gelato especially. I highly recommend gelato and oh ya prayer.

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    1. Hi- ok this was and is awesome. Wow- thank you so much for helping me today with your words. How wonderful that you would do that for and with me. Gelato silence and prayer-sounds real and sounds perfect. I am so sorry for the losses you and your former partner experienced- a loss of a child is a loss of a child- no matter how small. And no, it’s not ok. I have times where it over takes me, then I have to get up and be brave again. Your message means a lot to me and I deeply thank you.

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      1. I am glad I could help you. Truly I am. I know in my worst times of pain people tried to counsel, give sympathy, and sadly at times correct and rebuke at inappropriate times. I would and if I ever see you I will definitely take you out for some and coffee. Definitely coffee too. Maybe wine. Lol.

        I know all I wanted was someone there and really at times to be held. When life was unstable inside or out or both just something to hold on to. Kind of found people are not always the best for that. Jesus is though. And I don’t say that in some cheesy sense.

        You are right loss is loss. You never fully are the same after. Yet something beautiful can come of it. Think of how much more beautiful you are now and how many lives you touch even with that writing there. I’m proud of you and to know you.

        You don’t have to get up and be brave because especially when you are down it takes the most courage to even just exist and stay around and not quit. You are the quintessence of courage and beauty and strength. Keep on soul-dier

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  9. The lifetime of love you stored for your precious little daughter has to come out somehow. It was meant to be shared. That’s the tears, the ache of it all. Just love trying to find someone special, the one it was intended for. It has found meaning in your poetry and writing, in the way you live each day. It isn’t the insurmountable loss, but the undying love that still lives in you. And, that is a beautiful thing to have. Thank you for sharing it with us. -Daniel

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      1. There is a world of souls bonded by the pain of loss. You have helped me keep my head above water and inspired me with your courage and deep reflection you share through your poetry and writing. Nothing helps one ignore their wounds more than to see their brother or sister-in-arms on the ground wounded. We help each other. We survive. We live to fight again. Thank you, Souldiergirl for all you share and do.

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  10. My dear sweet sister, my heart breaks for you and the loss of your precious child. I can not even imagine the pain that you have gone through… and then re-experience as thoughts and images become triggered by things that others would think so nonchalantly about. We can never understand why things happen and why precious lives are lost. But we do know that she is happily sitting with our Father now. I think that I shared this with you before, but every time I think of you and your daughter, this posting comes to my mind. Please forgive me if I have said it before but I feel lead by our Precious Holy Spirit to link it for you. Your poetry is beautiful and anointed by God. You touch lives with your poetry and with your testimony. Last year, I heard a song play in my head that I knew was from the Lord. I felt that He was telling me that we are His poetry, His beautiful poems up in Heaven with Him. I can picture your beautiful daughter like a beautiful poem, bringing pleasure to our Father in Heaven. And though her poetic length may have been short,.. the radiant beauty, purity, and shear elegance of her spirit and soul have been so pleasing to God, like music to His ears. I hope you don’t mind if I link it. Picture your baby girl sitting on God’s lap and the joy that she has brought Him… then realize that you will have eternity with her basking in His Glory too with her.
    https://secretangelps911.wordpress.com/2014/12/09/poems-up-in-heaven/

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    1. My sweet angel- this is so beautiful. I am overcome. My poetry is anointed? Just that thought- you know the Lord being proud of what I am doing, is such a joy filled feeling. I believe that the Holy Spirit moves through you- I know He does, I recognize it. What you have said about my daughter is beautiful. Of course I wish she was here and it is very painful- but to view her in a way that is different than how I saw her last- that is comforting for my soul. You can link whatever you want here- this is an open home. I am so grateful for you and your help and messages and love and pure heart. Thank you so so much angel- I am overcome.

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      1. Awe… God is so good to give us what we need and when we need it. I feel His Presence in your poetry… and He gave you that gift for a reason. I know that He gave me “Poems up in Heaven” last year in a song and then gave me confirmation this year of the same thing. Who knows… He may have just wanted you to know how He feels about your “little poem” that He loves so much. I pray for your healing and that God will give you comfort and Peace to replace the grief that you continue to feel. Thank you so much for your support and encouragement. Many, many blessings to you, my sister!!

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  11. Sometimes it is very hard for others to understand…your words touched me deeply and your poem also. I have been there and I have buried two, and still I shed tears! But it is always good to let them out after they built up for a while. Sending you my love my sister, I share your pain, and I pray that I will not have another who passes before i do…the two youngest was so very hard and yet with Ian, my shyness was taken away with every visit for nine months to the neonatal care unit at St Joeseph hospital in Omaha. He made me stronger,

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  12. I cannot and will not pretend to know what this pain feels like but I am certain that your loss will not have been in vain. Just the very action of sharing this traumatic experience, I know that you are helping to heal, or at the very least, soothing the hearts of those who have been through the same.
    Thank you for being so brave. My thoughts and prayers are with you x

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  13. speechless, as I understand and feel your loss and how those moments when we flash back can literally gut us where we stand, till we are unable to breathe without feeling all the pain, fresh and new, despite the time and distant…I love you sis…holding you, and sending you light and love ❤ Paris

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