Flashback 

by Souldiergirl

 

The eyelids of night close upon

A day wrapped with warmth 
And echoes of children’s play
Inside the moons gleam
I lose myself with intention of sleep
But I am caught up on a turbulent sea
Thrusting me back to a time with thee
Playing and giggling 
Your precious delight 
Cooing and yawning 
Sweetly rockin on my side 
Then the undertow grabs my feet and ankles 
Fighting like a stubborn swine to the dinner table
The waters trap me into a flashback reel…
A little home in the aged country
Mama cooking supper, while baby sleeps 
Her life brings me joy, so I twirl and tweet
…Mama opens the door with beaming heart
To wake up an angelic daughter 
And cradle her in my arms 
Only to find…
A scene I still cannot describe 
A baby not breathing! 
Did Jesus just pass by?
Or Is this just the evil we call
“life”
Her face unmoved!
My visions are pleading 
“Please stop the playback!”
“Please erase this image!”
But the moon is now snoring 
And the tide is pulling back
I wish to cut these lines of gravity!
I wish to extinguish the flashes of back
My ankles slow to be freed 
As I wear that nightmare like a hat
Covering my reddened eyes 
And tucking the returning guilt under my cap 
I am quietly tossed to the welcoming sand
As the sun wakes and stretches 
Greeting the insomnia of land
One two march-one two step 
Again I have not slept 
Fighting with the tug of the flashbacks
To be woken by the sun
The search for my daughter 
I can no longer stand.  
  

89 thoughts on “Flashback ”

  6. It reminded me of the loss of my son Ian…the last memory was the one pasted on my face when I visited him at the hospital all day , and my wife and I left embracing his smile. And we got a call that next morning on ‘Mother’s Day’, that he had passed. Hugs to you my sister….I am really feeling you!

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  8. Such raw emotion leaves me breathless. Wanting to say something comforting and knowing that there are no real words to fit. Sorry does not cover any of it at all and sounds insulting. How can such a loss be equated to something like, “sorry”. I often play this scenario at the back of the insecure sections of my mind. Not the exact same, but I often wonder. And the pain of wondering is often too much to bare. I have no idea how you feel, Dear Poetess. But I know, and I want you to know, My Heart is broken for you all the same.

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  10. I guess I got your whole story, your pain, and your feelings of guilt in this one poem. No one will ever be able to understand where you have been going through. The grieving process is not defined and has many stations. Reading your lines makes me see that you are actively grieving which is the healthiest grieving. This blog is a blessing that way and an important way of working yourself thought it. I am thankful that I may join you. In some way you don’t need to walk this path alone.

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  15. There is no time table for grieving. The memories will come and go, I will pray for God to send you peace and comfort in your toughest moments and to steady your heart. The pace of this poem is remarkable because I could feel my heart beating faster and then calming towards the end. Thank you for sharing, my friend ❤

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    1. Aw wow, thank you Syl. That is so wonderful of you to share. I feel God is alongside me in this healing journey. I really believe He is using you for hurting hearts, like mine and so many others- as a warm breath of comfort and hope. blessings and blessings to you.

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      1. You’re welcome. It takes a lot to share what’s going on deep in the heart, so I appreciate that from you. God is with you every step of the way and I’ll be around to give you a lift when necessary. Blessings to you.

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  16. I wish i had the right words, wish I could take away that pain, I hope I can be there to the depth you need, You have an incredible depth of strength and what you’ve gone through is not fair, i want you to know Im here for you babe ❤️🙏

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  26. i understand beautiful, I understand…I read the other, then this and can not stop crying, for you, for me, for what we’ve been denied…I have a picture of my daughter I posted today, tho only one other person here, besides you, knows of her…I love you sis

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    1. I feel really loved that you shared this with me- I know how hard that is to do. I wish we could just sit together and I will hug you in the silence of thoughts we both know. I adore you and you are rare and precious to me.

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      1. As you are to me, I’m not brave enough to approve your comment on her picture yet, but I love you sis, no one should have to walk this road we are on, I used to be so open about her, and I will again. I’m hugging you back ❤️

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      2. I understand completely and its ok. You are brave for letting me in and I don’t take it lightly. After I wrote about the flashbacks I went back into my hiding place. It comes and goes- just the worst pain ever. You are brave for living even when it is the hardest thing to do. I love you.

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  27. Such heart-felt words! Your grief and your pain is palpable in your words. Thank you for sharing your love and your loss through your words. I can feel your pain and sorrow and pray for God to heal you. No one ever wants to walk that path of losing a child but I know that God is using you to help others through your gifting. Many, many blessings to you, my sweet sister!

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    1. Thank you so much angel. That is my prayer as well. I pray for others to know they are not alone, and will feel connected- like what you have done for me ❤️

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      1. Awe…You are so sweet. We serve an awesome God, my sister.
        I will share a scripture that God gave me as “we” were writing my book. He woke me up at 4:51 one morning and lead me to Psalm 45:1… “My Tongue is the pen of a ready writer.” I knew that He was guiding me with each word and He gave me the confirmation that I needed that it was ordained by Him. When we submit to be His vessels, then the words flow from the depths of our hearts as He gives them to us and uses them to heal hearts. It’s all about Him!! We are just His vessels! May He pour out His blessings upon you!!

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      2. Oh that is so beautiful! I love those moments where He so directly speaks to us- He cares about each of our hearts. Thank you so much for your wishes and words to me 💖

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