I wish I could throw this gut reaction 
Into a deadly contraption
Wish I could ignore all the closed doors
Somehow paint them white
And inside a reckless spirit hide
Wish I could leave responsibility behind
Wish I didn’t have to answer to their baby eyes
Patiently asking me why
Or what and how
I tell them the truth
Mostly I don’t know
But I am responsible 
For these three lives
I have to be hard
I have to dig inside my forehead, so I don’t forget their scars 
I grabbed them up on my ride 
So when I was dropped they fell with me 
Wondering if we died 
Im not blissed and ignorant 
My son knew when I closed my door and cried 
His gentleness 
I fully realize it 
My actions have affected us 
Facing death and loneliness 
I’m a soldier again
My muscles work like a song 
A source of power for them
Skill and discipline 
My intuition a bullet proof shield
Never to be penetrated again


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