Sorrows Flight

I am naked and skin

Dissolving into the cracks

That lead me back

To a tiny casket

A love turned black

I begin to lose sleep

Just like back then

An ever haunting fear

It will happen

Again

Then…I breathe

I have no control

Pretending I do

Has worn me thin

I look at my youngest

Joyful to the fullest

Her magical essence

Shifts my perspective

She transforms

The pain in our faces

For I still have

Three precious angels

Though they may be

Flying

In different spaces

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Saving my Place

Why don’t you ever listen

When I shout?

With both

Palms out

No one came

So

I saved

Myself

🖤

I have learned to stand when all I wanted was to fall. I have learned the intense pain of growth.

When I did not think I could make it alone, I dug in with claws like shovels.

I forged new roots and though I still often tumble… my heart knows the fears I have conquered.

And each day, fast or slow, I continue to move forward..

Our stories, our healing, our falling, our growing

Our individual rocks

Continuing to form our unique foundations.

❤all my love and gratitude to each one of you❤

See Through Soul

In between the grey

There are moments

Of your sun

Melting down

…my walls

Showing off

…my soul

Leaving our eyes

Opened and exposed

I tremble with

A birthed recognition

…your hand curled into mine

Is this what

Safe

Feels like

In between the grey

A scorching healing

Takes me

To my knees

In a pocket of time

Hardened walls

…Finally cry

Heart to heart 

It will almost be ten years ago that I lost my middle child. My sweet baby girl with eyes like the ocean and flaming orange hair that was wild like the warmest sun. It is the hardest event I have ever gone through. My former husband would put me down and blame me for her passing. His words shot holes through my heart and the seeds of guilt began to grow.
For ten years I have been carrying that enormous rock of guilt around. All of the what ifs that carve away the wholeness of my mind. When I did not think I could feel smaller or break apart anymore I would. I have been consumed by  sadness for that sweet soul.
This week I collapsed inside its arms and I said goodbye. I am tired. I am shaken and yes totally broken. I am done with shouldering this weight.
I sat by the lake today and told my daughter how much I love her and now mama is going to allow herself to remember the good without cringing because of how the good eventually was no more.
I told myself I am a damn good mom. Yes I am flawed. Yes I struggle. But I love my children with every ounce of myself. I have always done my best. I could not save her but no one could have. All of us will leave here without a heartbeat. Is it ever not going to hurt? This message isn’t about what happened to her, but it’s about the afterward. It’s about self forgiveness. It’s looking in the mirror and not loathing the woman I see. It’s loving the smile parts of life. It’s not letting others cruelty ruin the woman I am! I am not what he said. I am not the lies in my head. I am a fractured human, who is trying hard to love this life again and today I took my first step forward after being frozen in shame for years. Today my guilt expired and in its place- a beautiful bottle of friendship. To be my own friend again and I must say, it is nice to meet me ❤💫

💫💫Hi WordPress family! It’s been so long since I have posted here and I’m sorry for that. I love this place. I’ve been working on Instagram as it is easier for me and then I wasn’t finding the time to manage both sites. I am trying to figure that out:)

If you’re over in the Insta world please connect with me @_souldiergirl_ so I can see you and of course love and support you! 

Happy Friday 💋💫💫💫

Our Lullabies 

​ I remember when I got high

And placed my head into the lap of your lost lullabies 
the kind that sing about the cloaked corners of life


Mama’s sad and daddy’s gone 
Hush little darling, the tears will stop before long 
The moon is on the slow rise 
The sun is losing sleep with dark eyes 
I know your Idling in the repeat of black days
But the solitude of the desolate cocoon 
Is just a nap before growth pushes you through 
Hush little darling, the tears will stop before long 
Soon you will be in the sky with me 
Unearthing lullabies 
Of how the butterfly came to be

Biting Down 

 I’m finding it hard to concentrate 

Thoughts speaking without raising their hands
Raising their voices 
Without being called on
Problems scribbled on the blackboard of my heart 
Lacking a solution for their missing parts
Attempts to steady my shaking hands 
Replacing God where there was once man
I try to sit alone and quiet down
A smile traced on my face 
…They all think she is ok
What if life behaved in an opposite way?
Where we just spoke the truth 
Of how we really were on any given day 
I would say, 
…I am biting down with weak teeth 
I am spitting out these words just to stop the nervous tweaks 
I am holding it all in 
I am under the water, freezing my breath
…becoming the hustler of life’s test
Shadowboxing the unrest 
The hive is loose 
And it is I they seem to choose 
Their stings prick and bleed 
But I bat them off 
With unwavering belief 
I’m fighting being defined a failure 
With scarred fists and a worn out tee shirt 
With the cliche missing 
And my poetry clinging 
Ink down my chest 
Bleeding from my heart 
Rendered into art
To heal myself 
I am tired and I am run down 
Yet there is magic in the forlorn 
I am telling you my real 
I am choking on how it feels
I am the result of what has spilled
…like oil out of a bottle 
I wear the stains of past tomorrow’s 
Yet I still live with two hands up on this roller coaster 
And that would be my truest answer 
If we lived in a world 
Where when we reply with how we are 
” yeah I’m ok”
…was not the standard

My Scattered Heart 

Do you ever wonder 


About the pieces we give away
Trusting hearts
Vulnerability misplaced
The precious parts
We hand over like
Trading cards
For a temporary love
I think of mine
Inside dresser drawers
and back pockets
Of…wrinkled trousers
Tone deaf caskets
Scattered with my brothers ashes
The crusted corner of
A once unassuming smile
A handshake, a pinkie promise
A hopeful wish
We made together
Only to hear it crumble
My heart is scattered
With a forgotten child
And ancient lovers
Buried in a sandbox on Fredrick street
…that time capsule
Remember?
I feel the pressure
The beating twice as hard
Of the scars 
That once held parts
And maybe I am not whole
But I am a growing seed
Planted throughout the world
And I wasn’t always right
To give it away
But I took the gamble
And there are these sweet moments
Where I won
Like a radiant flower
Linked up with the sun
Is she any less capable
Without each one of her petals? 

Peace from Pieces 

​I would really like a piece 


of your peace
That you carry with you everyday
Over your shoulder, in the ease of your smile
My burdens turn steps into miles
While you turn stones into water
Just give it over, give it over
…You say
To hold it does not serve you
…You say
As you dance above the fray
Adding hours to an elusive day
Sunshine upon a sunken face
My tear drops turn into storms
While you make roses from thorns
I would really like a piece
of your peace
Just give it over, give it over
…You say
As a weight is lifted from my shoulders
And I slowly melt into to the falling waters
While you make peace from pieces
Taking the heaviness from your daughter
Turning sorrow into laughter 

* thank you my WordPress family, for welcoming me back with such love and kindness. Each one of you is a treasure to me. Love love love!!

My Wild Angel

  

I am listening to all of our 

old jams

…thinking of you

Beastie Boys and 

Smashing Pumpkins 

Time does not fly 

…it is dangling on the edge of our bedroom window 

Watching us when we were kids 

Eddie Vedder and white tees 

And rebels just wanna have fun 

…so we did 

Now all my heart does is playback our memories 

Converse and coffee 

Hooked on the repeat

Smoke from your cigarette butts

Drawing a mirror 

around my face

Where you would always grin 

and say 

“Everything will be ok”

Even with the odds trimming the life from your face 

Honestly, without you here 

That hole in my gut, reappeared 

So be my wild angel 

And I will be your little rebel

Be my wild angel

Hold me and whisper…

Anything 

Scream our songs through the wind

Hit me with the beats like a best friend 

I love you and there is no end

Be my wild angel

Lead me into heaven

…So we can be kids again